Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Fighting this problem that is mine


Unfortunately, I gave in to my compulsions. I am not proud of doing so.  I would like to overcome these obsessive thoughts and not give in.  I realize the key to doing so is to recognize that I have a problem and to embrace that I have obsessive  thoughts and perform compulsions on a regular basis. The thoughts do not really come and go.  At least they have not lately.  Today was a rough day. I am glad to have rested myself this afternoon.  I wish I had done so earlier.  I feel so much better.  I am now refreshed and the obsessive thoughts are largely gone.  This time, these thoughts are about fictional characters.  I realize that they are fake, but the obsessions are or seem so real.  It is as if they are the only things that are on my mind though I realize they are not.  I have finally accepted that this will be a hard fought battle.  I just sometimes don't feel like fighting.  Right now, I feel better but when have things gotten worse.  I am just tired of these obsessions and compulsions.  Interestingly enough, I wonder if these thoughts are a way to draw closer to You and make me more dependent on You.  I think about that ever so often. Is it that though?  Is it about a spiritual attack?  I have thought about it because it was so bad this morning that my sleep was disturbed.  I could think of this show that I don't often watch but the theme of infidelity was apparent.  It makes no sense why I have these specific thoughts.  The truth is, it never will make sense, so I have given up trying to find the answers.  Maybe if I could do that with my obsessions, then I realize that I will feel better, much much better.  Remind me of this so that I will not only embrace and accept the OCD, but that I will stand up the OCD, meaning let me not give up.  I rather pray for healing however.  Help me, Lord.

In Jesus' name,