A Letter to You re-post

Dear Heavenly Father,
There really isn't that much that I know of that I have to say. I prayed two long prayers and I do tend to loop even when I'm laying down. I admit that I have a crush on someone who has died. I know all of us will die and have to meet with You face to face one day. I do hope that He has made it. I am shy and I rather not say what His name is for fear that others may read it.

I don't care if others know that I have a crush on him, I really don't. However, it is about the fantasy world that I have created for myself. No matter what my reasoning is, the fantasy world gives me comfort and shelters me from the real world. As I have mentioned, the real world can be a cruel place. I am not sure how I will cope in the real world, yet I admit that sometimes I am more resilient and independent than I think. I am the kind of person who doesn't know her own strength.

Maybe that is the problem. I have such great insight into what is going on with me along with my flaws and my strengths that I just don't take the time to get to know me and who I am. How do I change things? How do You want me to change things? I just don't know. I am a shy person who likes to keep to myself and mind my business as I have done so today. Being nosy just doesn't work for me anymore as even the slightest bit of curiosity can trigger a series of bothersome obsessive thoughts.

I have had this issue for many years. It all started with reading a book review and some gossip, at least that is when things officially got worse. I have had this problem longer than that. I wonder if emotional and psychological issues are or have been my crosses to bear for all of those years. I wonder if I were bipolar, how would my life had turned out? Would I have been less suicidal? Would I not have any bothersome obsessive thoughts? I had some in high school and it was filled with regret.

All I do is try to reason things out and check and check some more and check some more. It can be very annoying and it can drive me crazy. Yes, I have OCD, but I have realized that I have yet to fully embrace it like I thought I did. Maybe that is the struggle. I will never truly accept or embrace that I have OCD and that there is no cure. This will always be a part of my life that I have to deal with, like being bipolar or having diabetes. I prayed for a miracle, but what is it You have in store for me? I ask that You would bring me out of my stress? OCD has caused me a lot of stress over the years...and a lot of anxiety.

I have had crushes on people, including celebrities, living and/or dead, obsessions with people, and moral or religious issues. I also wonder if my life will always be a series of obsessive thoughts that will go round and round. I also wonder if everything that I do will always be about the OCD, with all of the checking and with all of the compulsions. The thoughts are annoying but how can I get over the compulsions? When can I truly say that I don't care anymore, I give up, and after that, I just move on and move on for real? It will never be an issue in my life ever again.

Right now, I have "dealt" with not only my issues, but other people's as well. Cheating is wrong, period. There is no excuse for it. It is selfish, dishonest, and cowardly. I wonder why a person would commit such an act if they truly claim to love or respect their spouse when they don't honor their marriage vows or even themselves. I wonder how many people they have slept with. I like or check on stories of women in particular, committing infidelity. Ironically enough, it gives me a rush that I realize I don't really want or need. It is like the cycle of life, but more cruel and more vicious.

I have issues, yes, with bullying and with weight issues. Sometimes I wish I could obsess over other issues. I wish I have that choice, but I don't. It is as if the OCD has a personality that has taken a life on its own. I live in fear and doubt because of the OCD and I just cannot take it anymore. It can be too much to bear. It latches on to the fears, doubts, questions, and cares of my life. It is as if I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and on my mind. I would like to stop reasoning, having compulsion, and "deal" with the thoughts at hand. Help me, Lord. Show me what to do and help me to focus on what I need to focus on.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

Psalm 39

1 I said, “I will watch my ways
    and keep my tongue from sin;
I will put a muzzle on my mouth
    while in the presence of the wicked.”
2 So I remained utterly silent,
    not even saying anything good.
But my anguish increased;
3     my heart grew hot within me.
While I meditated, the fire burned;
    then I spoke with my tongue:

4 “Show me, Lord, my life’s end
    and the number of my days;
    let me know how fleeting my life is.
5 You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
    the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Everyone is but a breath,
    even those who seem secure.[b]

6 “Surely everyone goes around like a mere phantom;
    in vain they rush about, heaping up wealth
    without knowing whose it will finally be.

7 “But now, Lord, what do I look for?
    My hope is in you.
8 Save me from all my transgressions;
    do not make me the scorn of fools.
9 I was silent; I would not open my mouth,
    for you are the one who has done this.
10 Remove your scourge from me;
    I am overcome by the blow of your hand.
11 When you rebuke and discipline anyone for their sin,
    you consume their wealth like a moth—
    surely everyone is but a breath.

12 “Hear my prayer, Lord,
    listen to my cry for help;
    do not be deaf to my weeping.
I dwell with you as a foreigner,
    a stranger, as all my ancestors were.
13 Look away from me, that I may enjoy life again
    before I depart and am no more.”

Thank You, God

I apologize

Lord,

I am so sorry.  Forgive me for always consider the eternal consequences of my actions, especially those things that I know are wrong.  My desire is NOT to do those things.  I know that I cannot expect any such reward if I am to keep doing wrong.  I do have issues that needed to be addressed.  Thank You, Holy Spirit, for bringing that to my attention.  Thank You, Lord, for forgiving me.

Thank You,

Sincerely,


Letters to God

Being a good steward

Heavenly Father,

Help me to be a good steward whether it is money, time, or even something as simple as helping others and taking care of animals.  I have wondered about being a good steward.  That is something that has concerned me.  I don't have a lot of money but I ask that You would give me wisdom when it comes to being a good steward.  Guide me into being a good steward.  Show me what I need to do.

Sincerely,


Letters to God

Prayers

Father,

I asked this morning that You would teach me how to pray. Thank You for teaching me how to pray. I have learned that all I have to do is to be myself.  The best prayers are the prayers from the heart.  Thank You again, for teaching me about prayer today.

Sincerely,


Letters to God

Blank canvas

Heavenly Father,

I thank You for answered prayer.  I also thank You for revelations and light bulb moments.  I do spend a lot of the day fatigued and falling asleep.  I oft times considered myself lazy and unmotivated.  I don't wish to prove myself right.  I do talk badly about myself and I am in need of an interest that will do better to occupy my time  Well, I realize that You created us to love and cherish ourselves and that is not what I have been doing.  I am worthy in Your eyes.  None of us deserve salvation and forgiveness because we are not good people in Your eyes, but You have died on the cross for us.  Salvation is a free gift.  We can be forgiven. No matter what issues we face and no matter what we have done, You love us.  I am grateful for what You have done.  I ask that You would change my perspective on all things and all people, including myself.  There will be no cliches written in this letter, but I realize that cliches are there for a reason.  A cliche is actually a truth that isn't always applied by us but it is a saying that we claim over and over again.  I don't wish to cliche anything anymore nor do I wish to put myself down.  I am one of Your children and I am to live accordingly, which means that I represent You and should represent You in all things.  I have often failed.  I have often missed the mark.  The problem is not really a low self-esteem as I have finally figured out.  I wonder if I deserve to love me.  The truth is, I don't always like me.  I have wondered if others see me as I do.  I do not always see myself as a good person.  Lord, I wonder how You see me.  I know that You will, and still do, see me in the truest sense of the word.  I am that blank canvas that You have created.  Use me.  Forgive me. Teach me.  Continue to love me.  I give thanks and glory to You.  Thank You.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

Having light bulb moments

Dear Heavenly Father,

Over the years, I have been having light bulb moments. The light bulb moment is about the fact that I have had numerous obsessive thoughts over the years. I have been having thoughts about television and watching television. It all started with the thoughts about infidelity. I am scared and have been afraid that a television show, book, or movie will produce a trigger about infidelity. A word can trigger another thought or two. I now realize that every obsession I have is connected to one another. I realize that and have been realizing that for a while.

However, it took this morning to find out that the obsession to infidelity is connected to weight fixation to being bullied to sexual obsessions to even racism. It all makes sense now. Racism and bullying are connected to my weight because I have low self esteem issues. What do I do? I don't know why I have the exact thoughts that I do, but I realize that it no longer matters. The ways that I cope make things worse. I am taking a big risk by writing it out. However, I am taking a risk. However, writing has been great medicine for me, so this is a way to think things through as well as to learn how to take action. Confession is good for the soul but action I realize has to be taken afterwards.

So it all starts somewhere, so the solution is that I have to take some kind of action and realize that the nature of these thoughts are not logical and do not require actions. Having these obsessive thoughts have caused me years of anxiety and heartache and guilt. I feel like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I also felt guilty for having obsessions and compulsions. The truth is, I have never had an affair but it is also true that I have never divorced, had a paternity issue with a man because I don't have kids by a man. I don't have a man so I cannot say that I have a reason to worry about cheating. For that reason, I have often wondered why I have had these thoughts despite all of this. I have never cheated nor have I ever been cheated on. Why do I have these thoughts? Having said all of that, I realize that applying logic to an obsessive thought is wise. It will never work and hasn't been this way, so why try? Why fight these thoughts? I have identified illogical exaggerated thoughts that really make no sense. Now how do I reconcile this with illogical sites? I guess letting the thoughts pass by remembering what I wrote about infidelity and what I have written just now.

I realize that there have been times when there are thoughts that are exaggerated, if not all thoughts are exaggerations of real life stories. Everything in those thoughts are exaggerations to the point where even fictional characters become real. All things become real. They are not. What are the thoughts about? The key is to no longer fight them. I have to learn to see these thoughts for what they really and let them pass. That key alone is so difficult to apply.  I want to get better.. Lord, heal me. I thank You for Your healing touch.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

I am a blank canvas.

Lord,

Will I ever overcome the OCD or will it overcome me?  I wish I knew.  I have grown tired.  Use me, Lord. Use me to do Your will.. I am a blank canvas.  I am now an empty slate for You.  My plans are now Yours. I commit my life to You.  I thank You that You know my motives and my plans better than I do.  I also thank You for helping me to cope with what I need to cope with.  I have grown tired of the daily grind, if there is one.  I will follow always.  I thank You for Your guidance, for I am in need of a sense of direction in my life.

Thank You again, In Jesus' name,


Amen

A prayer of thanks

Lord,

Thank You for allowing me to be honest with You.  I was finally being honest with myself after years of not knowing what I was doing.  It seems to me that things have finally surfaced.  I feel so much better.  Thank You.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

My health concerns and issues

Dear Heavenly Father,

I feel like eating candy, and brownies are great motivators for exercise.  Sure the food was good, but would it be good for my health?  I ask that You would remind me of not just my health, but also what I consume as it relates to my health.  What are the benefits of exercise?  What should I do in order to lose weight?  I am over 100 pounds overweight and I realize that I may have to spend a little more.  As You know, I have been diagnosed as having polycystic ovarian syndrome and it CAN be hard to deal with.  I admit that I fail to realize that there are complications to the complications that go with this syndrome.  I shave my face and take my medication.  That is true, but I don't often watch my diet and watch my weight like I should.  I am only lucky but there are times when I feel like I need to change.  Help me to change.  Motivate me.  Give me a push.  Remind me that I have to take care of me.  I realize that I need to take care of myself.  I know that I have another person to consider, so I don't know what to do.  I also ask that You would help me to make the right decisions when it comes to eating properly because of my condition, and not to skimp on exercise. I got off track (I guess) for a while, so I would like to get back on track. I feel like I am lazy and unmotivated. That is because I have procrastinated to do what I am supposed to do: eat healthy and exercise.  Would a change in mindset help?  Would a new grocery list help?  What would help me?  I ask You for that help and I also ask You for said guidance.  I need to take better care of myself.  I believe that I cannot afford to procrastinate.  

Sincerely,

Letters to God

Motivate me, Lord

Lord,

I feel better than I did yesterday.  Maybe I am depressed.  Maybe I am a "victim" of a spiritual attack. I really don't know exactly what is wrong with me.  The truth is, I am still unmotivated.  I believe the reason is either the depression or the lack of motivation.  I ask for a push.  I ask for motivation.  I ask for guidance. I know something is wrong.  Help me.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

I want to change

Dear Heavenly Father,

I just wish that I wasn't so lazy and so unmotivated.  You give wise counsel so that is what I ask for.  I ask for wise counsel. I have this issue with being so slothful and unmotivated.  I have admitted to putting myself down and admitting to my faults, but this time I need to change.  I have no idea what to do.  I need Your help.  I thank You that are able.

In Jesus' name,


Amen

Getting ready

Father,

I did not take the time to pray to You.  Excuses are what I will not make.  I am sorry.  Help me to understand the parable of the Talents.  I am afraid of being the one with the one talent.  Their end will be dire.  I want to be ready for Your return.  I need to stay strong in these days and times.  Help me to stay strong during these days and times.

Sincerely,


Letters to God

It was no accident what my focus is.

Lord,

I have no idea what the parable of the Ten Talents mean. All I know is that there is no accident this morning. I believe that You were telling me that I have been caught up in the things of the world.  I know that I need to be ready for Your return.  However, I am afraid that I am not ready right now.  You have answered my prayers.  Thank You for the revelation that I have been given this morning.  I realize that much is given, much is requited.  However, what is truly required of me?  What are my talents?  How do I use those talents and all that I have to glorify You?  I have no idea what I am doing or how I should live.  I want to be holy as You are holy,.  That would I believe means that I am to be a repentant, believing, holy, righteous, obedient Christian.  I know that I have fallen short of the mark in that respect.  I repent of all of my sins.  I ask that You would continue to guide me.  I also ask that You would help me and give me the wisdom that I need to carry on my journey and my walk with You.  I thank You for giving me that liberally.  Thank You for Your answers to my prayers.

In Jesus' name,


Amen

About counting it all joy and rejoicing

Lord,

I don't know how to count this all joy.  Show me how.  I have been through a slump today.  How is it that I am not sure how to rejoice at what I am going through?  Maybe I should reread Your word.  I would like to thank You for answering this and all of my prayers.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

Thankful...count it all joy

Father,

I thank You that You answer prayer.  Last night was a turning point.  I prayed quite a bit today.  It exposed issues that I sometimes wish wasn't exposed.  I do care too much what others think.  Sadly, I feel like I have become more of a friend to the world instead of you.  It is quite sad.  I ask for forgiveness.  The cares of this life have bogged me down and it hasn't been made easy.  I cast those cares upon You.  Thank You for caring about me.  I will count it all joy.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

My identity...what I have learned

Lord,

I have grown tired.  There is too much anger and resentment going on.  I am growing tired of the depression, the hurt feelings, the anxiety, and the fear.  I cannot take it anymore.  I am tired of the way things have been and the way things are.  I want to make a change in my life.  I need to make a change in my life.  The truth is, I don't know how.  People have walked over me all of my life.  For the first time, I finally stood up.  I finally told the truth.  I am no longer afraid.  The truth is, why do I feel so down?  Why do I feel so bad?  What is really wrong with me?  I don't feel so good right now.  I admit that I have done some things that I am not proud of, but there are other things that I may not have done wrong that I did not and still do not remember. I am hurting.  I need help.  I need and escape.  It is time for me to change.  I would like to change my life.  I need to separate myself from what is going on.  I just cannot take it anymore.  I guess I am sensitive in that way.  I hate my life now. I hate it even then.  I have done wrong things like lying and hiding.  I don't want others to know the truth.

But the point is, You know the truth.  Forgive me, Father, for all of my sins. Change me and change my life.  I need help from You.  I thank You for loving me no matter what I do, write, think, or say.  I even surprise myself.  I hate what has happened tonight, but at least I can be honest with myself.  I can finally be honest with You. I also believe that confession is good for the soul.  I have no idea what was really going on with me until now.  I hate confrontation, but tonight, it took confrontation to reveal things that I didn't or rather, don't want revealed.  However, it has to be revealed.  I don't have the peace of mind that I so need.  I have been anxious, cranky, worried, alone, and in desperate need of a change.  That is why I want to live on my own, with my cat.  I know that my mother needs me, but at my age, it is surely time for me to be independent.

The problem is, I don't know where to begin.  Every day, I eat, clean up, sleep, and stay on the computer.  I realize that that is no real life for me at least, to live.  I want to go out and explore.  I want to do the things that You want me to do, and not I.  What I want is to lose weight, be independent, and stop with the status quo.  I am finally feeling freer than I have been in a long time.  Interestingly enough, I feel okay since I have written this to You.  I am not worried.  I am now in the real world.  That has been what I have always wanted due to the anxiety and all of the internal issues that I have been having.  Tonight has been a combination of fear, resentment, and a lack of peace.  That is why I have been isolating myself.  I want, need, and desire for things to change and to make a change in my life.

This starts tonight.  I am beginning to develop a newfound respect for myself even though it took this to happen.  I finally realized that despite the craziness that went on tonight what has happened, that it took long enough to finally talk up for me and me alone.  Lord, I wish I handled things differently and I wish things could be different, but I apologize to You for how things have happened.  If I have ever been dishonest, which I admitted I have been, I apologize.  I have admitted to growing tired of resentment, fear, loneliness, hurt feelings, and lacking in peace.  I realize that I was wrong, and I ask You to forgive me.  How do I let things go?  How do I humble myself?  How do I no longer be the broken down, sad human being I have become?

I am admittedly envious of other people.  They have jobs, they have kids, they have friends, and they have transportation.  I have none of those.  I feel like I have accomplished absolutely nothing in the past 15 + years or so.  What have I done to show for it?  What happened?  I realize that some of this I brought on myself, but I need, want, and desire to make a difference, not just for me, but I would like to know what Your plan is for my life, and how do I make a difference?  All I know is that it is time for me to live, and serve, to respect, to honor, and to love me.  I don't wish to be selfish, however.  I realize that I am not ready yet.  There is more that I wish to do.  Forgive me of all of my sins.  I ask that You would continually be there for me and love me.  I also ask that You would lend Your ear to me and answer me.  I know that You answer prayer and that I am speaking from the heart.  The truth is, the computer has become my life because I have been so anxious that I have used it to shield me from the anxiety and whatever problems I have been having.  The truth is, I do have issues that need to be worked out.  I just need a break and to make it, though I realize that I, like no one can, make it without You.

I have had doubts about a lot of things, including my salvation.  Who am I?  Am I truly saved or am I lost?  I tire of the doubts about being saved by Jesus.  I have asked Jesus over and over to save me, yet I still have doubts.  What is wrong with me?  Is it fear?  Is it the anxiety?  Or is it the Holy Spirit convicting me?  I hate having those doubts and I wish I know or rather knew, who I was.  I have committed sins that have caused these doubts.  I need to know or to test myself to see if I am truly of the faith.  Am I of the faith?  I want to know.  Is the enemy deceiving me and that is why I am having doubts?  Is it the obsessions and compulsions?  Is it the bipolar?  My life seems to be filled with nothing but the same issues over the over and over again.  It is a cycle that I feel like I am too weak and too powerless to break.  It is like there is no solution to these problems because I can't break them on my own.  I just need to know that You can help me to break those cycles.

I am overweight.  I am diabetic.  I have a hormonal issue.  I have high cholesterol.  I have high blood pressure.  I never thought it would be this way.  I should have known better.  I have gained almost 60 pounds in a short span of time.  It is as if I have never recovered from the weight gain and other health issues and the anxiety issues.  I realize that something is wrong with me.  I wish to give up, just like I gave in.  I need help, but I need to know where to begin.  I am tired of all of my health issues.  When if I have my limbs amputated?  When if I stop taking of myself altogether?  When if I remain clinically obese?  I would like to lose about 100 pounds, but how do I go about doing so?  I have no idea how to get back on track.  I have tried but failed.  I feel like a total failure.  Where should I begin?  I don't want to die because of something that can be reversed, preventable, or one day hopefully curable.  I don't wish to gain any weight.  I don't wish to be underweight, but I don't wish to remain overweight either.  I need to be realistic.  Lord, I have no idea.  What should I do and where should I go?

I ask for Your guidance in this, and every matter in my life. I ask again that You would forgive me of all of my sins.  I am tired of the "daily grind".  Set me, and make me, free.  My desire is to make You my top Priority.  Give me wisdom, for I thank You that You give it liberally.  I am listening to You. My heart and mind are open.  Help me in all things.

In Jesus' name,


Amen

I am truly in need...

Dear God,

I realize that I should be in desperate need of losing weight.  I realize that I have to make changes for myself. I know that I can do it, but I feel like that I cannot.  I am in love with the sweets but I realize that it is a big mistake.  However,  the food doesn't love me back.  Help me to love myself more and more each day.  I ask for forgiveness of my sins. I am sorry for my sins.  Thank You for listening to me and answering my prayers.

Sincerely,


Letters to God

I give up.

Lord,

Something is wrong with me.  It is demoralizing.  I brought it on myself.  I am not in the best of health.  I am not well.  I have all but given up.  That is just how I feel at the moment.  I have had this feeling lately.  It also doesn't help that I haven't been eating healthy and exercising.  I just don't feel like it.  Lately, it is as if I don't feel like doing much of anything.  I am not anxious right now, but I am just worried.  I am in this funk that I believe I can never get out of.  I am just not a strong person.  I need a push.  I feel like I am lost in this world.  It is just depressing.  I am in need of hope right now.  I need an answer from You. I ask that You would hear me. I have grown tired and I am overwhelmed.  I am not free.  I am burdened with the cares of this life.  Help me to focus on You.  I call on You for that focus.  I don't know what to do, but I am glad that I have You to communicate with.  Thank You.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

To go out and do something

Lord,

I would like to go out more, but I wonder how hard it is to just get up and go.  That has been a major problem that I have been having for years now.  I would like to know where to begin.  I know that I need to go out more, but I guess some alone time is good for me.  I realize that things haven't been so easy, but I also realize that things could be worse.  I am thankful that thing truly are the way they are. Remind me to be grateful always and to be one who is obedient and repentant.  That is what I needed to ask in the first place.  I ask this in Jesus' name,

Amen

Easter Prayer

Father,

Forgive me for being so lazy in my praying and reading of Your word.  I am sorry.  I am now wondering if now we should be celebrating Easter.  Like Christmas, it has its pagan origins.  Now it is a Christian holiday.  I know that the Easter Bunny has nothing to do with the Bible, so why? I believe in the Resurrection so I know that the Bunny has nothing to do with it.  No bunny died on the cross for me.  Jesus did and for that, I am thankful.  Thank You for all that You have done especially during the past two days.  I am no longer as anxious as I used to be, nor do I have the fears I once had.  I recall obsessive thoughts about television.  I don't have those anymore.  For this alone, I give You praise.

Thank You,

Sincerely,


Letters to God

This morning

Jesus,

My heart was heavy this morning.  Things have been on my mind.  I woke up so early this morning. I was troubled.  Thank You for answering me.  Thank You for hearing me.  Thank You for loving me. Thank You,

In Your Name,

Amen

Just wondering

Dear God,

Sometimes I wonder if I am under spiritual attack.  Today I realize that whether or not this is the case, I should not be surprised at the trials and tribulations I am going through.  There are people who have AIDS, cancer, and other conditions.  Why am I complaining?  Yes, having obsessive thoughts is hard, but I cannot imagine what others who have these disorders are going through.  I pray that they will be healed and that they will experience Your love.  I feel guilty sometimes for complaining and I also wonder why I too have this issue.  Is it fair to ask me?  Is this part of Your plan?  Or is it a part of Satan's plan to seek who he may devour?  Am I really under spiritual attack?  Lately I have been having longer naps, greater bouts of anxiety, and at times, sleep disturbances.  I am not sure what I should do to deal with those things.  How do I deal with them?  Lord, I call on You and I ask You for help.  Your help is much needed and is and will be continually appreciated.


Sincerely,


Letters to God