I thank You that I have a mother who understands what I am going through. I feel like I have a weight lifted off of me. I wasn't exactly sure how she would react. There are things that don't matter in the grand scheme of things that do matter to me. Well at least the obsessions and compulsions. I made a mistake trying to "expose" myself to the anxiety. Big mistake. It made me even more anxious, I believe. It is best to not allow myself to be exposed. Finally I had a talk with You and needless to say, I have finally been honest with You. I explained what is really going on. I feel like I have carried the world on my shoulders and I wonder if I still feel that way. I was embarrassed and I felt guilty about having this disorder.
I have love and support despite all of that and I know that there are others who are suffering. Being isolated and alone does not help my condition. The truth is, I have grown tired of having the condition and everything that came with it. Also, I tire of having these thoughts. I wonder still if this is a spiritual attack. I recall that I commanded the enemy and as a result, all of the cares and burdens were lifted up. I thank You for this was an answer to my prayer.
However, I feel like I have regressed. I messed up. It all started with a crush I have and still have a little bit on the actor who sadly passed away. His death is such a sobering reminder of life being so short. I still wonder about his eternal destiny but I first and foremost I think of my eternal destiny. I felt like the obsessive thoughts and the anxiety that came with them has made me tired. Maybe if I were to let go of this, that, and others, and remain uncertain then all will be well. However, I am have lost the ability to control this thing. I feel bad because I have regressed. It was as I wasted Your blessing. How could I do that? I cannot believe I gave in. I cannot believe that "exposing" myself was a good idea. I thought it was a way to conquer my fears about what I am most afraid of. It only made the anxiety worse, hence, the sleep disturbances.
Right now, I am doing much better. I feel whole again. Right now as I am typing, I still have images. I guess that this too shall pass. I hope so. I ask for healing and wholeness. I also ask for forgiveness of any bitterness and resentment left in me. I simply cannot take another day of these obsessive thoughts, images, and compulsions. I tire of these things. I am not interested in having fun and putting entertainment as a priority. What I am interested in is being made whole and concentrating and making You my top Priority. I thank You that You have answered my prayers.
Letters to God