Thursday, March 26, 2015

An honest look about having OCD today


I thank You that I have a mother who understands what I am going through.  I feel like I have a weight lifted off of me.  I wasn't exactly sure how she would react.  There are things that don't matter in the grand scheme of things that do matter to me.  Well at least the obsessions and compulsions. I made a mistake trying to "expose" myself to the anxiety.  Big mistake.  It made me even more anxious, I believe.  It is best to not allow myself to be exposed.  Finally I had a talk with You and needless to say, I have finally been honest with You.  I explained what is really going on.  I feel like I have carried the world on my shoulders and I wonder if I still feel that way.  I was embarrassed and I felt guilty about having this disorder.

I have love and support despite all of that and I know that there are others who are suffering.  Being isolated and alone does not help my condition.  The truth is, I have grown tired of having the condition and everything that came with it.  Also, I tire of having these thoughts.  I wonder still if this is a spiritual attack.  I recall that I commanded the enemy and as a result, all of the cares and burdens were lifted up.  I thank You for this was an answer to my prayer.

However, I feel like I have regressed.  I messed up.  It all started with a crush I have and still have a little bit on the actor who sadly passed away.  His death is such a sobering reminder of life being so short.  I still wonder about his eternal destiny but I first and foremost I think of my eternal destiny. I felt like the obsessive thoughts and the anxiety that came with them has made me tired.  Maybe if I were to let go of this, that, and others, and remain uncertain then all will be well.  However, I am have lost the ability to control this thing.  I feel bad because I have regressed.  It was as I wasted Your blessing.  How could I do that?  I cannot believe I gave in.  I cannot believe that "exposing" myself was a good idea.  I thought it was a way to conquer my fears about what I am most afraid of. It only made the anxiety worse, hence, the sleep disturbances.

Right now, I am doing much better. I feel whole again.  Right now as I am typing, I still have images. I guess that this too shall pass. I hope so.  I ask for healing and wholeness.  I also ask for forgiveness of any bitterness and resentment left in me.  I simply cannot take another day of these obsessive thoughts, images, and compulsions. I tire of these things.  I am not interested in having fun and putting entertainment as a priority.  What I am interested in is being made whole and concentrating and making You my top Priority.  I thank You that You have answered my prayers.


Letters to God