Tuesday, April 29, 2014

One big cycle of life

Dear Lord,

I feel like leaving this planet.  I don't want to give up, but that is how I feel.  Life is such a struggle right now. Help me.  Help me to get out of the rut that I am in.  I feel like I am going to lose it.  I feel like everything is a cycle.  I know about the cycle of life but I thought it was about good karma and bad karma.  Now I wonder if it is about karma less or about obsessive compulsive disorder even more so.  I feel like my life is one big loop and I am just living in that loop unable to get out of it.  Everything I think, feel, do, write, or say is just one big obsessive thought.  It is like I have an extra persona living in on the inside of me.  It is rather strange to say the least.  Help me and bring me out of this struggle.  I ask this in Jesus' name.


Monday, April 28, 2014

Help me, Lord prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

I have been tongue tied, literally.  I often don't know what to say to You about things.  All I know is that writing would be best right now.  I am tired.  I am spent.  I am sad.  I need to be more honest with myself and the fact is, I need to change.  It is time I do something for myself.  But I am always fearful.  I sound like a broken record to You, I know it.  Help me, Lord.

I am frazzled right now.  I need You.  I have been told that I have been improving though I have my doubts. The more things change, the more things stay the same.  Help me, Lord.


Letters to God

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Health issues

Dear Lord,

Forgive me, but I was trying to talk to You.  I felt like I gave up hope.  I have given up hope yet at the same time I am hopeful.  Take control of my situation and change me.  I wished that I had asked You this earlier. That was exactly what I have tried to ask You earlier.  Sadly, I needed help with my health.  I thought it was the tea, so I don't know what happened.  It fell apart and I was actually tired and such.  My blood sugar was lower than I ever thought was lower.  I feel so much better though.  Thank You.  Thank You that You know of my situation before I even ask.

In Jesus' name,


Saturday, April 26, 2014

Pouring out

Dear Heavenly Father,

There are times when I have difficulty expressing myself to You. All is not well with me.  Maybe that is the problem.  I cannot only call on You when things are not perfect.  As long as I am alive, things will never be 100 percent perfect, whatever that means.  I will always have problems.  I wish that I knew all of the answers sometimes, but the truth is, I don't.

I just would like to know if I could understand why I have so many uncertainties about myself and the world that we live in.  Is he a racist?  How long will I live?  How many affairs has she had so far and why?  Those are questions that I ask everyday.  It is amazing that I can live through it.  It is amazing how anyone can live through illness.  Some have AIDS, are HIV positive, have cancer, and have mental illness.

I do have psychological issues.  I have been told about the chemical imbalance.  But I wonder about that as well.  Do I really have those issues?  What has triggered those issues?  What if I have known about these issues beforehand?  I wonder about those things, especially about one of those issues.  I am not healthy and I get tired of taking medication and admitting that I am a young diabetic who takes a lot of meds is not a badge of honor.  I feel ashamed.

I wish I never had to take medication.  I realize that I have to, but it can be a lot and I feel a lot of guilt about things.  My issues are minor compared to others.  There are many who have worse medical conditions than I and it seems like they have so much more courage and so much more life than I do.  They don't take life for granted because of their illnesses.  They seem to be less guilt-ridden and more brave than I am.  They are to be admired in my book.

I wish I had more admiration for myself.  I only want what is best for me, no matter how selfish I sound.  I would like for my prayer to be answered.  I want to be thinner than I am.  I want to be stronger than I am.  I want to be richer than I am.  I feel like I work hard and try too hard but always fail.  It is a struggle for me at times and I wish that struggle was only a small part of life.  What I have to realize is that life is unfair, so suffering is a part of life.  Give me strength in times of suffering, for I am suffering.

I am suffering that seems to be all but broken.  My self esteem is quite low and I have too little understanding about what it is like to have high self-confidence.  I want to live a godly life.  I would like to be decisive, have good moral character, and be a good wife and mother.  Being like a Proverbs 31 wife doesn't look to be easy, but she is one great role model for women.  She is beautiful inside, confident, trustworthy, and most of all, godly.  I see myself and I don't like what I see.

I am 39 years old, which means that I am nearing middle age.  I have all of the signs of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, the facial hair and the obesity.  I am not rich, so I don't have enough money to save on and I feel guilty about that.  I would like to work or do anything moral or honest to earn money.  I hate the situation I am in and I am trying to get out of it.  I would like to say something good about myself but even being grateful is a struggle.  I know that I complain a lot, so I ask that You would help me to be more grateful.  I surrender myself over to You.

I need You, Lord.  I need You.  I do not know what I am doing on this planet.  I sometimes don't know how to make it on my own, though I would like to.  God, give me strength.


Letters to God

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

OCD_Weight Issues

Dear God,

Help me to be consistent.  Teach me rather, how to be consistent.  Help me.  I need to overcome and deal with the fact that I have compulsion and obsessive issues that I need to face.  The first issue I need to deal with is about my health.  I weigh over 300 lbs and it has become difficult to walk.  I want to do this for me.  I ask that You would show me what it is that I need to do.  I ask for Your wisdom, guidance, and healing.  I pray this in Jesus' name,


Monday, April 21, 2014

A call for help

Dear Lord,

Help me to be ready for Your return.  Help me to count it all joy in even the worst times.  Help me to be grateful and give thanks in everything.  Thank You, Lord, for Your help in doing those things.

In Jesus' name,


Sunday, April 20, 2014

Easter prayer

Dear Lord,

Help me to discover what the meaning of Easter is.  Help me to understand that especially if I am to witness to others.  Help me to focus on who or what is most important in my life.

In Jesus' name,


Saturday, April 19, 2014

OCD Persona

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank You for taking away the mental disconnect that I had in the last few days.  Thank You for spiritually making me alive.  I was numb spiritually and I thank You for Your forgiveness and Your love for me.  Give me the strength to make it through the day, everyday.

I am renewed because of Your love and forgiveness.  Thank You.  I am writing this because I talked to You and I wasn't so shy and disconnected.  I owe You so much tonight.  My life has been one big obsession after another after another after another.

The OCD is not just an annoying issue, but seemingly a part of me.  I need to be careful because the "personage" of the OCD has been around for a long time.  It has become a part of my identity and it scares me.  I don't feel guilty about that, but I do feel as if it does control my life.  It makes me wonder about my identity.  I know it is not me as a whole person, but it is the OCD "persona".

I find myself caring about what the OCD "persona" thinks and it has influenced my beliefs.  That is what concerns me.  I wish I could get over it and move forward but I cannot, because it is just not that simple.  I wonder sometimes what it would be like to not have an obsessive thought for just one day.  It would be a great day of relief.  However, if they were gone, now what?

I cannot imagine my life without this "persona" yet I wonder what kind of person I would be without it.  I have had it for so long I cannot comprehend not the relief but just the freedom that it comes without the thoughts and the compulsions.  I am here to write that I want to have a life, but I want to live and be obsessed with You.

I want to live.  I want to grow.  I want to serve.  I thank You for saving me.  I wish I didn't care about a book written, a celebrity divorce, or a celebrity crush or obsession.  I wish that I didn't care about a woman who is cheating, a person, living or dead, or even a kidnapped baby.  Those things I find upsetting and sometimes incredibly sad that people would do such horrible things.  I guess those are the things that the "persona" wants me to think.  But what do I want to think?  What should I care about?  I just hate having to live the alternatives to the "persona" because even then, do I feel like having been controlled by the "persona".

The "persona" has taken a life of its own for years and I felt like it is my fault for keeping it alive.  I have had symptoms of both OCD and bipolar for many years; I wonder if I were to have known about things earlier how different would things have been.  Sadly, I will never know.


Letters to God

Friday, April 18, 2014

Mental disconnect


I feel disconnected from You.  I don't know why.  I am not proud of it. In fact, I am ashamed.  I am sorry I feel this way.  Give me strength, courage, and wisdom.  It is a lonely feeling.  My faith is not as strong yet my mind is "clear".  It is as if I high yet low because of this disconnect I feel from You.  I know that I maybe should feel bad because I do.  I hate that it may seem disrespectful, but I feel like mentally I am separated from You and I don't wish to feel this way.  It is as if I am living but spiritually I am empty.  Maybe that was the best way that I could describe it.  I want to be ready and I want to live holy.  Help me connect to You. Show me what to do and give me focus.  Set my mind on You and not on earthly things.

Thank you.


Letters to God

Wednesday, April 16, 2014


Dear God,

Help me to seek You daily.  My mind has not been with holy thoughts.  For that, I am truly sorry and I ask You for Your forgiveness.  I repent of my sins and I realized that I was wrong.  Thank You for forgiving me.

In Jesus' name,


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Prayer to the Lord Jesus Christ

Lord Jesus,

Help me.  I realize that not only do I have a problem, I need to repent of all of my sins.  I confess that I am a sinner who needs You right now.  I need for You to wrap me in Your loving arms, Lord.  I would like to repent daily.  I realize that I am holding some things and I have really no control over my life.  Does anyone when they do their own thing and live their own way without You?  Jesus, I need for You to fix my life.  Fix things for me.  I am asking that You would please fix the situation I am in, or at least bring me out of it. Whatever Your will is, I will do it.  Give me strength over temptation, for I wish to not commit these sins anymore.  I want, need, and desire to change.  I want to walk in the fullness of You.  My sin is nothing that I wish to write down, but You know what it is.  I am and will no longer be in charge.  Take control of my life. Forgive me for all of my sins.  Cleanse me, and make me a new creation in You.  May all things, including those issues I aforementioned pass away.  May all things become new.  I want to be filled with the Holy Spirit, assured that I am truly saved.  My full desire is to walk the narrow road and not allow myself to be devoured and choked by the cares of this life.  I want to be a good and faithful servant who will one day, enter into Your joy.  I confess these sins before You.  I ask that not only would You set me free, but that You will make me free.  I cast my cares over to You, and I thank You that You care for me.  I realize that the root of my problem is an anxiety and compulsion problem.  I isolate myself which makes it easier to ruminate in my obsessions and keep them alive.  I would like to not only overcome them, but work through them.  I would like to free from having these obsessive thoughts and carrying out these compulsions.  Build up and strengthen my faith, O Lord, and help me to realize and affirm that I am one of Yours and that I am a person who has been fearfully and wonderfully made.

In Jesus' name,


Monday, April 14, 2014

Trying to be more positive

Dear Heavenly Father,

I have binged today.  I feel guilty about this.  I have been a glutton and I need help with my eating habits.  I realize that I have not only have I been doing it all wrong, but I knew what to do all along.  Things don't come easily for me, so it has been hard to put things not only into perspective but to put it in practice.

I felt a little like giving up.  I realize that exercise does me no good if I am eating improperly.  Help me to not be so hard on myself.  I tend to do that sometimes.  A lot of my letters have somewhat of a negative tone because I don't know, either it is my low self-esteem or I am just not a happy person.  I need help and I don't know what to do with myself.

I ask that You would give me the help that I need.  Help me not to associate with negative things and give in to negativity.  Gossip, gluttony, and self esteem issues have been getting me down some today.  I would like to say that I cannot take it anymore, but even that seems futile.  I ask You for wisdom in this situation.  Show me what I need to do.  Your help would be greatly appreciated.


Letters to God

Saturday, April 12, 2014

My identity

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am leery of preachers and other so-called believers in Christ Jesus.  I am a person who dislikes it when people misinterpret the scriptures.  For instance, "I never knew You".  Does it mean people who are disobedient in general or is it for false prophets?  I have so many questions that I wish to ask You, Lord.

I want to live right and serve You, but I admit that it hasn't always been so easy.  Lately, I have been thinking about eternity and there are times when I feel that I am not ready.  There are things that I don't like about myself and I wonder how things can be changed.  I want to change, but I don't know how to ask for a change of heart, spirit, soul, and character.  I actually don't like me.  I don't always take care of myself for I have become lazy over the years.

I can be rude, self-centered, and maybe even a bit clueless about the world.  I want to change because I want to live a life that is pleasing to You.  I cannot do that in the state I am living in.  I just want to know what I need to get rid of and what I need to add to my life.  My life is full of things that I am grateful for.  I admit that I am not always grateful.  There are times when I feel that not even I don't know who I am.  I am lost and I feel lost.  Are You greater than my circumstances?  Help me, for I am a doubting Thomas.

Doubt has been a problem of mine for a long time.  I doubt that You would answer my prayers.  I admit that I am a double-minded person and that I should not expect my prayers to be answered because of this reason.  I would like for my prayers to be answered but I would like to know how to get rid of the doubt and all of the negativity in my life.  Help me to increase my faith, for it is not as strong as I would like for it to be.

My life is filled with obsessive thoughts, doubts, secret sins, and fears.  I have fears about confrontation and being yelled at.  I fear other people and what they could do to me if I don't conform to their standards.  I fear being entertained for I am afraid of a new set of thoughts that could be triggered.  I know avoidance is not good, but I feel safe due to the avoidance.  I find myself drawn to the things that scare me sometimes and also to those I feel like I think I have romantic feelings for.

For example, I find myself "falling" for a young man who has died at age 36.  He was the son of a world famous actor and I find myself having a crush on him.  He gives me great comfort and I think about him often.  I wonder if this is idolatry.  I wonder if I am sinning because of obsessive thoughts and doubts about being born again.  I have often wondered if I will ever be a true believer in Christ.  Forgive me, Jesus, for all of my sins, and I thank You for doing so.


Letters to God

Friday, April 11, 2014

Secret Sin

Dear Heavenly Father,

Forgive me for all of my sins.  I am a sinner and I need the Savior.  I have done things that I can control but I don't know how.  I have a sin that I am unable to overcome on my own.  I am supposed to be an over comer, but I feel like a failure.  I am not sure if it is a compulsive act, but it is one that I am not proud of.  In fact, it is a secret to the rest of the world.  I have had this issue for many years.  I even committed this sin tonight.  Cleanse me from all unrighteousness.  I am afraid that if I don't overcome this sin, then I will always have to deal with it and I won't be ready.  I want to know about preparing myself for Your return.  I need immediate help with this.  I feel like I have not accomplished much in my life.  You have however, saved me from being suicidal.  I ask that Jesus Christ not only gives me the assurance of my salvation, but also save me from this sin.  Take away this sin, Lord Jesus.  I ask that You would make me whole.  May I be a new creature in You, Christ Jesus.  Thank You.

In Jesus' name,


Thursday, April 10, 2014

OCD and other issues

Dear Heavenly Father,

There really isn't that much that I know of that I have to say.  I prayed two long prayers and I do tend to loop even when I'm laying down.  I admit that I have a crush on someone who has died.  I know all of us will die and have to meet with You face to face one day.  I do hope that He has made it.  I am shy and I rather not say what His name is for fear that others may read it.

I don't care if others know that I have a crush on him, I really don't.  However, it is about the fantasy world that I have created for myself.  No matter what my reasoning is, the fantasy world gives me comfort and shelters me from the real world.  As I have mentioned, the real world can be a cruel place.  I am not sure how I will cope in the real world, yet I admit that sometimes I am more resilient and independent than I think. I am the kind of person who doesn't know her own strength.

Maybe that is the problem.  I have such great insight into what is going on with me along with my flaws and my strengths that I just don't take the time to get to know me and who I am.  How do I change things? How do You want me to change things?  I just don't know.  I am a shy person who likes to keep to myself and mind my business as I have done so today.  Being nosy just doesn't work for me anymore as even the slightest bit of curiosity can trigger a series of bothersome obsessive thoughts.

I have had this issue for many years.  It all started with reading a book review and some gossip, at least that is when things officially got worse.  I have had this problem longer than that.  I wonder if emotional and psychological issues are or have been my crosses to bear for all of those years.  I wonder if I were bipolar, how would my life had turned out?  Would I have been less suicidal?  Would I not have any bothersome obsessive thoughts?  I had some in high school and it was filled with regret.

All I do is try to reason things out and check and check some more and check some more.  It can be very annoying and it can drive me crazy.  Yes, I have OCD, but I have realized that I have yet to fully embrace it like I thought I did.  Maybe that is the struggle.  I will never truly accept or embrace that I have OCD and that there is no cure.  This will always be a part of my life that I have to deal with, like being bipolar or having diabetes.  I prayed for a miracle, but what is it You have in store for me?  I ask that You would bring me out of my stress?  OCD has caused me a lot of stress over the years...and a lot of anxiety.

I have had crushes on people, including celebrities, living and/or dead, obsessions with people, and moral or religious issues.  I also wonder if my life will always be a series of obsessive thoughts that will go round and round.  I also wonder if everything that I do will always be about the OCD, with all of the checking and with all of the compulsions.  The thoughts are annoying but how can I get over the compulsions?  When can I truly say that I don't care anymore, I give up, and after that, I just move on and move on for real?  It will never be an issue in my life ever again.

Right now, I have "dealt" with not only my issues, but other people's as well.  Cheating is wrong, period. There is no excuse for it.  It is selfish, dishonest, and cowardly.  I wonder why a person would commit such an act if they truly claim to love or respect their spouse when they don't honor their marriage vows or even themselves.  I wonder how many people they have slept with.  I like or check on stories of women in particular, committing infidelity.  Ironically enough, it gives me a rush that I realize I don't really want or need. It is like the cycle of life, but more cruel and more vicious.

I have issues, yes, with bullying and with weight issues.  Sometimes I wish I could obsess over other issues. I wish I have that choice, but I don't.  It is as if the OCD has a personality that has taken a life on its own.  I live in fear and doubt because of the OCD and I just cannot take it anymore.  It can be too much to bear.  It latches on to the fears, doubts, questions, and cares of my life.  It is as if I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and on my mind.  I would like to stop reasoning, having compulsion, and "deal" with the thoughts at hand.  Help me, Lord.  Show me what to do and help me to focus on what I need to focus on.

In Jesus' name,


Wednesday, April 9, 2014

I am in need of...

Dear God,

I need help.  I need to know how to get myself ready.  I am not prepared but too comfortable in the state that I'm in.  I need Your immediate attention.  I right now feel like giving up.  I am not really proud of or even like myself.  I was too down to even talk to You much less write this letter.  I am not sure what is really going on with me.  What sins have I not confessed or repented of?  I feel so alone at times.  I am not sure if this is common for believers but I wonder if I am even a true believer.  I want nothing more than hear Your voice.

I think that I am in a fantasy world and I feel like maybe I should stay there.  The real world is a rather cruel place.  I regret watching things or hearing about or reading up on things that I should not watch, hear, or read about.  For example, there are people who are mean-spirited enough to post videos or pics of their exes online for revenge.  Any man or woman who does this is disgusting in my eyes.  It is a despicable act and I just don't understand how anyone can be so cruel and be so vile.

This in turn makes me glad that I am not in a relationship.  I try to reason it out so that I can feel better, but I don't.  It doesn't make it go away yet some people will always be mean-spirited and do hurtful things to harm others for whatever reason.  I hate this world and the things in it.  Sometimes, I don't even like some of the people in this world.  I do come across as unChristian, and I am sorry, but I know that lying is also wrong.

Maybe I just needed to unleash.  Sometimes I wonder if You are trying to tell me something.  I know I am asking much, but not only do I ask You for forgiveness, but I ask for wisdom, guidance, and a sense of direction.  I often feel like this is the only prayer that You want for me to pray.  Yet on the other hand, nothing seems to change.  I am still stuck in the place where I am at.  I do wonder where I belong.  My life is a bore and living seems to be a chore.  I don't want to kill myself at all.  This is not about suicidal.  This is about change.

I need to get out of my comfort zone.  I may not know what I am asking for, but I realize that I need to change.  The truth is, however, I don't know how.  This is the most honest I have truly been and I am glad.  God, You know of all my flaws and my cares, which I shall cast them over to You.  The cares of this life have not choked me but they can be hard to deal with at times.  I admit that I have a rather naive view of life because I have been so sheltered, but it only means that having fun is not the biggest thing in the world.  I don't wish to be a hedonist nor seek pleasure for pleasure's sake.

I wish also that I can lift the burdens that are on my mind and are weighing on my heart.  Forgive me of my sins, and cleanse me from my unrighteousness.  Thank You for doing so and for knowing everything about me before I ask.  Thank You for the opportunity to allow me to just unleash and pray for guidance, and a sense of direction.

In Jesus' name,


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Fantasy about someone who is dead

Dear Heavenly Father,
I sound crazy but I have a crush on someone who is dead. He was so good looking and so talented yet seemingly a bit quirky. He was famous or at least the son of a famous person. He died young and would have been in his late 30s had he lived.  His father who is famous, is well known.  I feel like I could fall in love with this guy, yet he is dead.

The truth is, I will never meet him because he is dead.  I do wonder however, where he ended up.  I do hope he was a believer in Jesus Christ.  It is difficult to imagine if he was not a believer.  I have had these thoughts more often lately.  I wonder if time has a bearing on anything in Heaven or Hell.  Will he have his part in the Lake of Fire?

It doesn't make any sense because I am to look at my own salvation with fear and with trembling.  There are times when I don't know if I am saved.  Lord, give me the assurance of my salvation.  There are times when I think I am lost.  I am not a person who wishes to feel or be that way.  Salvation seems to be a rather unstable thing.  Help me and give me the wisdom to live according to Your word.

I need help and I know this.

Thank You for giving me the opportunity to write this to You and to spend time with You everyday.  Help me to make the most of everyday while I am still on this planet.


Letters to God

Monday, April 7, 2014

My days

Dear God,

Give me wisdom to live out my days.  I personally don't know how long I have on this planet, but help me to make the most of this day.  Help me to not quench the Spirit and ignore whatever my calling is.  Give me strength in these hours.  Help me to be ready for Your return and also when I am at death's door.

In Jesus' name,


Sunday, April 6, 2014

Psalm 25

In you, Lord my God,
    I put my trust.
2 I trust in you;
    do not let me be put to shame,
    nor let my enemies triumph over me.
3 No one who hopes in you
    will ever be put to shame,
but shame will come on those
    who are treacherous without cause.
4 Show me your ways, Lord,
    teach me your paths.
5 Guide me in your truth and teach me,
    for you are God my Savior,
    and my hope is in you all day long.
6 Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love,
    for they are from of old.
7 Do not remember the sins of my youth
    and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
    for you, Lord, are good.
8 Good and upright is the Lord;
    therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
9 He guides the humble in what is right
    and teaches them his way.
10 All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful
    toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.
11 For the sake of your name, Lord,
    forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
12 Who, then, are those who fear the Lord?
    He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.[b]
13 They will spend their days in prosperity,
    and their descendants will inherit the land.
14 The Lord confides in those who fear him;
    he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the Lord,
    for only he will release my feet from the snare.
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
    for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
    and free me from my anguish.
18 Look on my affliction and my distress
    and take away all my sins.
19 See how numerous are my enemies
    and how fiercely they hate me!
20 Guard my life and rescue me;
    do not let me be put to shame,
    for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
    because my hope, Lord,[c] is in you.
22 Deliver Israel, O God,
    from all their troubles!

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Psalm 91

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”
3 Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 “Because he[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

Friday, April 4, 2014

For Your Mercy Endureth Forever-Psalm 136

 O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.

2 O give thanks unto the God of gods: for his mercy endureth for ever.

3 O give thanks to the Lord of lords: for his mercy endureth for ever.

4 To him who alone doeth great wonders: for his mercy endureth for ever.

5 To him that by wisdom made the heavens: for his mercy endureth for ever.

6 To him that stretched out the earth above the waters: for his mercy endureth for ever.

7 To him that made great lights: for his mercy endureth for ever:

8 The sun to rule by day: for his mercy endureth for ever:

9 The moon and stars to rule by night: for his mercy endureth for ever.

10 To him that smote Egypt in their firstborn: for his mercy endureth for ever:

11 And brought out Israel from among them: for his mercy endureth for ever:

12 With a strong hand, and with a stretched out arm: for his mercy endureth for ever.

13 To him which divided the Red sea into parts: for his mercy endureth for ever:

14 And made Israel to pass through the midst of it: for his mercy endureth for ever:

15 But overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red sea: for his mercy endureth for ever.

16 To him which led his people through the wilderness: for his mercy endureth for ever.

17 To him which smote great kings: for his mercy endureth for ever:

18 And slew famous kings: for his mercy endureth for ever:

19 Sihon king of the Amorites: for his mercy endureth for ever:

20 And Og the king of Bashan: for his mercy endureth for ever:

21 And gave their land for an heritage: for his mercy endureth for ever:

22 Even an heritage unto Israel his servant: for his mercy endureth for ever.

23 Who remembered us in our low estate: for his mercy endureth for ever:

24 And hath redeemed us from our enemies: for his mercy endureth for ever.

25 Who giveth food to all flesh: for his mercy endureth for ever.

26 O give thanks unto the God of heaven: for his mercy endureth for ever.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

My take on having OCD

Dear God,

It is rough having OCD. It is even tougher to embrace it. I never thought that acceptance and embrace would be so tough. I have had bouts of OCD for many years but it seems to have gotten worse in the last few years. Ever since then, I felt like the anxiety helped to take a toll on my health. I just feel like "hitting a brick wall" sometimes because it is so difficult. Having a mental illness is tough altogether. I have written about the anatomy of an OCD thought and it was eye-opening. I can say that right now I feel great. My obsessive thoughts have all but gone and it is now easier to move on and move forward. 

I was/am so obsessed with wanting to get better that I asked God for healing. I needed the strength to move forward and to move on because I didn't think that I could do it. But I did it. I have been having crushes on men for a long time and I wonder if a relationship would be the cure-all for that problem. I spend a lot of time alone and I tend to ruminate over other people. It has gotten to the point where I even thought that I had a worship issue, but not with the Lord. It was on other celebrities like Sly Stallone, and Mickey Rourke, and George Clooney. It is all vanity. It is all temporary. Eternity is real and forever. Jesus will come quickly, but I wish I knew how soon. I want my life to having meaning. I want to be a stronger person, which is interestingly enough, how I feel.

Thank You, Lord,


Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Thankful; OCD

Dear God,

Thank You. I thank You for everything.  I thank You that I can move forward and move on.  Thank You for healing my mind and body.  I stand on Your word.  Help me to not only live holy, but be holy.

I confess that I got myself engaged in gossip last night.  In fact, I was engrossed in it.  I wanted to hate the ex-wife again.  However, it is the OCD that is influencing me.  I will never know if she is lying or if she is telling the truth.  The truth is, even if I purchase the book, I will never, ever know.  It does not matter if I met her or not.

I look at the pictures and the exes seemed happy.  However, one can never tell what goes on behind closed doors.  That is the reality that I need to focus on.  Help me to see that the OCD isn't me.  It isn't a part of my personality or who I am, so why am I bothered?  The problem is I have theories, but not real answers.  I am uncertain of things still but I realize that it does not matter.

I want to feel sorry for the ex-husband but in reality both exes have moved on.  The OCD latches on to things such as the opinion of others.  There are times when I feel like wanting to do something drastic though those are only urges.  I am thankful that I am getting help for my issues.

Thank you.


Letters to God

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Because I'm Happy

Dear God,

I am very happy today.  I have learned to be happy and just live life.  That is all I wanted.  The truth is when I speak out and just overcome my fears, I learn to be grateful.  I am so grateful right now.  I am writing about how I am feeling because the music I am listening to is quite an inspiration, though I know it is not an inspirational/gospel song.  I am just feeling great now.  Music truly is universal.  It soothes the savage beast, so to speak, with anxiety being that beast.


Letters to God