Thursday, June 13, 2013

Looking at myself from the inside and outside

Dear God,

Thank You for the peace of mind that You have given me today.  I needed to relax, but I also needed to be truthful to myself as well.  I really don't want to get over my crush/obsession.  I do, however, wonder if having a crush or an obsession is a sin.  Does it constitute idolatry or is it much ado about nothing? 

I wonder about these things because I have a crush on a movie actor.  He is an older man and I think that he is a sexy guy though not conventionally handsome.  He isn't a horrible looking guy per se, but he is way too old for me.  I like his voice and his talent most of all.  His looks are secondary, though when he was young he was very good looking.

I don't think that I am a shallow person, but when I see someone like myself, I become self-conscious.  I am self-conscious about my appearance and I project that unto others.  As You can see, I don't fit a certain standard of beauty.  I am short and overweight with a decent face.  I am thankful that You believe that I am beautiful and that is the most important thing.  I want to look like a curvy, yet healthy woman.

I have a larger frame which means that I will never be thin.  But it is time I be realistic.  In order for me to change, I would have to take a long, hard, and sometimes painful look at myself.  I was hoping if You could make that dose of reality a less painful however, though I have a feeling that change would require at least a little pain.

I feel that I have changed a lot, and I am glad.  I realize that I am a work in progress.  It is so much better than saying that I have a long way to go.  I find myself thinking and writing about a lot of things and while they have help, I have learned that action is what counts.  Help me to see that.  I want to see others just as beautiful as You see me.  I am thankful that it does not matter what a person looks like to You.  I am also thankful that looks are subjective and that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Letters to God