Tuesday, June 18, 2013

How to see myself and the world at large

Lord,

I have grown tired.  I am burdened with the cares of this life...my life.  I am tired.  I have grown tired.  I come to You and I acknowledge You in all of my ways.  I turn everything over to You.  I come to You for I am labored and heavy-laden.  I ask that You would give me rest.  I take Your yoke upon You and learn of You.  I ask that You would continually guide me in all my of my affairs and that You would lighten my burdens.

I have many burdens.  I am here to unleash.  I am tired of thoughts of the past.  I have not really dealt with the thoughts of the past.  I have gotten my feelings hurt.  I don't think people care what they say to me.  I don't think my words are just as effective as others.  I know now that this has been the case for some people and some situations.

I am tired of these and other obsessive thoughts about this.  I got into arguments and fights with others and needless to say, I am not a strong person.  I wish to be more assertive instead of being so passive-aggressive and so fearful of confrontation.  I am just not a confrontational person and I am afraid that something bad will happen to me.

All of this has lowered my self-esteem.  I almost cried this morning because I reacted like a thin-skinned person.  I don't know what to do about it except to turn them and to surrender my life over to your control.  I pray for the strength to stand up for myself and not allow myself to feel like I have to care what the world thinks.  It has held me back over the years and it is holding me back.

I am tired for this is a burden to me.  I am no longer waiting for an apology.  The big issue is the guilt that I feel for not standing up for myself.  I was a wimpy person and I hated myself for it.  I have hated myself in other ways for years.  I admit that I do have low self-esteem and I have been taken advantage of and bullied.  I never got over my past and now I am thin-skinned and fearful.

I just can't take it anymore.  I feel that my past, my mindset, my self-esteem, and my fears have held me back and have made me fearful of confrontation and my past failures.  I have felt like a failure for years.  Now I realize that I cannot change the past at all, but I wish I could.  I want to feel better about myself.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made according to Your word, but I have a hard time believing that sometimes.  Help me to see myself and my situation as You see me and my situation or rather, my situations. 

I have wondered how beautiful I truly am physically.  I have been called names and rejected and judged.  I have been used and hurt.  I just cannot take these bullying and abusive thoughts anymore.  I am here to say that I am also tired of the negative self-talk.  I am just tired.  I really, really want to change.  I don't know how, but You do.  Where do I begin?  How do I see myself as a beautiful person? How do I learn to love and respect myself?  Where do I begin, O Lord?  Where do I begin?

In Jesus' name,

Amen.