Saturday, July 11, 2015

I need to know


What goals should I set for myself?  What are Your goals for me?  How should I go about with those goals?  I have these questions because at my age, I feel guilty that I have allowed the world to pass me by it seems. I don't understand, but what have I done?  I feel like I have not said or done enough.  I realize that being a Christian is hard, but I have no idea how much I have to wait.  My only goals are to live for You and serve You all the days of my life.  I want to dwell in Your house for ever.  I look forward to living in those mansions that You told the disciples.

Here is the thing:  I have doubts to this day that I am born again. Do I need to be baptized in order to be truly saved?  Is there anything that I have not done?  I have asked Jesus to save me over and over and over again.  I now wonder if I am saved.  It is of no use to pray for others' salvation when I have doubts of my very own.  I have had doubts for over 2 decades and I still have doubts to this very day.  I just want these doubts to end.

I am also approaching middle age and as it seems I have had nothing to show for it for the past decade.  I have no real friends outside of my family and my cat.  I love them all but I get tired of being sheltered sometimes.  I have no idea how to get out of my situation.  I write about it a lot in this blog.  I wish things could be different.  I want things to be different but I have no idea where I need to start.  I feel like I have dug myself into a lot of holes over times.  I want to just live.  Lord, I need help and I need guidance.  I just need immediate assistance and I need immediate help.  I ask that You would come speedily and answer my prayers.  Help me, Lord.

I also want and need to know what else I can write differently.  I would like to stop writing about my weight, my appearance, and the fact that I am sheltered and have no date.  I would like to go back to school but I have no money and I doubt if I can obtain a grant.  I would like to have transportation of my very own, but I cannot drive and I am always dependent on others.  I feel like I am treated differently because I am diabetic and because I am bipolar.  I don't know how to change my life.  Help me, Lord.  Help me to grow as a Christian and as a person altogether.  Lord, what is Your will for my life?  What is my purpose here on this planet?  Why am I here?  I ask for an immediate answer for I have been struggling.  I have grown tired of struggling and I have grown tired of feeling the way that I do.  I ask for change because I want, need, and desire to change.  Most of all, I ask You for wisdom in this situation.  I give You thanks for answering my prayer.  Thank You.

In Jesus' name,