Dear God,
Draw me closer to You. Sometimes I feel like I am not close to You. I feel alone and disconnected. I don't understand what I am doing wrong. Is it the doubts that plague me on a daily basis? Am I saying the wrong things? Do I lack faith? Maybe that is the problem. I don't know what is going on. Help me, Lord.
I am frustrated. I have fears in my life. I feel like I am walking on eggshells with everyone and I cannot take it anymore. I ask that You would renew my mind so that I may be transformed by this renewal. I am here to say that I need to be less fearful and be more of good courage. Fear has plagued me for a long time and it has gotten me nowhere.
I am trying to say that I just don't know how to live life anymore. I spent so much time on dealing with the wrong issues and not on doing the right things. To me, I don't know what the right things are. I do need to take better care of my body and my health, yes. However, I also need to take care of my heart. I also need to manage having OCD, not just to deal with it. It seems so cold to just deal with it. I feel like everything is about checking and asking for reassurance. It goes from being saved to infidelity to celebrities. Help me to take better care of my soul, my very core.
There are sins that are hidden from the rest of the world that only You and I know about. I am not proud of those sins. Cleanse me from my secret faults. Make me whole again. I am more than aware that You will hold me accountable for how I live my life. I don't trust myself, but I will put my trust in You. It is as if everything I do is being controlled by my obsessions and my thoughts. How do I embrace the obsessive compulsive disorder? How do I live life without obsessing about things that are really none of my business or should not even be my concern? I feel like my life is just one obsession after another. I also feel like I am living in an obsessive reality. I wonder if I am committing idolatry because I spend a lot of time with dealing with these thoughts more so than being a believer and living for Jesus.
I write and talk a good game, but I wonder if I am living it. Why me, Lord? I feel like a hypocrite sometimes. I spent a lot of my time thinking about a person who has since passed more so than I think of the things that are eternal. I am not a Catholic, but I wonder if he made it to Heaven or to Hell. I shudder to think what happened to his soul. I do think about these things whether or not I will spend eternity in Heaven though it will pass away and live in the New Jerusalem. It scares me to think that I may not be ready and that I won't spend eternity with You. Help me to understand that You love me and to test myself to see if I am one of Yours. I should hear Your voice but it seems as if I am too much into the world like tv more so than Your Word. I am sorry.
I am afraid that I will be one of those "Christians" that will not make it. I am scared of times that I will end up deceiving myself. When if I were to pass away right now? Where will I end up? I don't have enough confidence in myself as far where I will end up. I hope that I lived right, and hear Your voice in order to be raptured. I won't set any dates but I believe that You will return soon and I look forward to it. I look forward to life being over, but first I got to not have these doubts. I will also have to grow closer to You which I feel I have not. I feel like I am isolated and it makes things worse. I just want to grow in You and get to truly know You better.
I ask that You would purify my motives. I don't trust myself when it comes to why I want to be born-again, saved, repentant, and spirit filled. I also don't trust myself in pretty much anything. Are my motives pure? Am I being genuine? Lord, why am I here? What are my main goals? Nothing seems to work out for me as far as trying to lead others to You. I keep trying and learning only to fall on my face. Lord, provide for me opportunities to grow and to lead others to You. I truly do want to live for You and serve You all the days of my life.
What kind of Christian am I? What is my identity? Who am I really? Reveal to me these things, O Lord. I sometimes don't know who I am. I wonder sometimes if I am truly genuine or if I am a decent person. When if I am or have been deceived? What do I need to do? Give me the wisdom and guidance that I so need. I need a sense of direction in my life. What are Your plans for my life? All I know is that I have a low income, no job, and I need to update my skills. I ask for greater opportunities and open doors.
I am happy to be pouring my heart out to You like this. I feel better when I do. Thank You for blessing me to write, pray, and use my talents to not only serve You, but to write about how I feel.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
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