Sunday, July 13, 2014

My doubts, worries, and anxieties

Dear God,

Help me to not worry or be anxious.  Worry and anxiety are two problems that I have.  Help me to hearken to Your voice, Lord.  I want to be one of Yours and that You will know me.  I know that I am a sinner who doesn't trust her motives.  I don't trust myself but I have difficulty trusting in You.  Help me with my unbelief.

Reality is hitting me closer than it has ever been before.  I have a perfectionist complex and I need to have a renewed mind.  I feel like I haven't grown in the faith because of my worries and anxieties.  I am concerned that I will never over come these worries and anxieties.

What is wrong with me that I am a professing Christian, yet I have these things on my plate?  Am I one of the fearful and unbelieving?  My faith has been shaken because I believe I have allowed myself to go to and fro with every wind of doctrine.  I wonder sometimes how You see me.  I read and hear that You love me and that is what I believe.

I need to change.  I need to be wise and receive guidance from You.  I am so apprehensive about all of this. I listen to others and not take enough time to read or study Your word.  Maybe that has been the problem.  I have gotten myself so caught up in the things of the world like celebrity crushes and obsessions that they have taken great priority over You in deed.  I am truly sorry for that.  I would like to overcome these things.

I have learned to embrace that at 39, I have crushes.  I have a crush now on a big name movie actor and also his late son, who has since died 2 years ago on this date.  Life is fleeting and looking at his grave was sobering, to say the least.  I often wondered what were to happen if I have died young, never truly repenting of my sins.  I wonder what my life would have been like if I have never been born again or at least thought I was born again.

Help me to focus on Jesus who is all about uplifting, forgiveness, baptizing, saving, forgiveness, and being life affirming.  I focus too much on things and people that are not about what Jesus is about and who Jesus really is.  Jesus is Lord.  I believe that He is the Son of God and that You rose Him from the Dead.  I write this because I wonder if I feel my praying is too shallow or has been for nothing.

I pray for salvation over and over and over again and while I believe that I am saved and of the faith, I still have doubts.  Because of those doubts, I wonder if I am double-minded and lacking in faith.  Am I really saved or am I really lost?  That is the question that I ask myself.  How is it that in my mind I know that I am saved but my doubts say otherwise.  Do I have a reason to feel the way that I do?  Do I have a reason to doubt?  What is wrong with me?

I need constant assurance and reassurance that I am truly saved and not lost.  My biggest fear is that I am not ready, on my way to Hell, and I am not truly of the faith.  Help me to work out whatever salvation I may have with fear and with trembling.  Help me.  I need help.


Letters to God