Monday, July 21, 2014

How I feel about having OCD


Why do I have the kind of obsessive thoughts that I have?  I have wondered this from time to time for many years and all I have are theories.  Is there uncertainty to this as well?  As you know, I don't like uncertainty and I realize that I have this need to find the answer.  It can be tough going through what I am going through. I don't like having OCD and I wish that there was no pleasure in rumination and even thinking about it sometimes.  I realize that if there was no payoff, then I would be focusing my time on something else.  I tried to reflect on time today but I just couldn't get my words together.  I hope that this won't be the case with this letter.

I feel like I didn't always put You first in my life, period.  I was so worried and caught up with the things of the world.  I do wonder if that is why I have my doubts sometimes and are so concerned with what I say and how I say it.  I wonder if there is a bit of OCD in that as well.  I know that there is definitely OCD when it comes to the assurance of salvation.  I have been saved for many years and I cannot stand having doubts about my salvation.  I know Your word gives me understanding, reproof, and correction, but I have doubts about being saved.  I wonder how I should say a prayer in order to be saved.  How does one become saved anyway?

Last night or rather, this weekend, I felt like I needed to make a decision about something big.  In fact, it wasn't in reality.  The world does mundane things every day.  I often wish I could live in the mundane.  I really don't like having OCD.  I don't just want to manage having OCD anymore.  I want to be healed from it.  I need to be healed.  My desire is to be healed.  I hate having these fears sometimes.  I wish that You could just take them away.  But even then, I realize that this frustration too shall pass, yet I don't wish for life to be a vicious cycle which it has become.  Get me out of that vicious cycle.  I just cannot take it anymore.  I ask You for wisdom and for strength.

I cannot take it anymore.


Letters to God