Why do I have the kind of obsessive thoughts that I have? I have wondered this from time to time for many years and all I have are theories. Is there uncertainty to this as well? As you know, I don't like uncertainty and I realize that I have this need to find the answer. It can be tough going through what I am going through. I don't like having OCD and I wish that there was no pleasure in rumination and even thinking about it sometimes. I realize that if there was no payoff, then I would be focusing my time on something else. I tried to reflect on time today but I just couldn't get my words together. I hope that this won't be the case with this letter.
I feel like I didn't always put You first in my life, period. I was so worried and caught up with the things of the world. I do wonder if that is why I have my doubts sometimes and are so concerned with what I say and how I say it. I wonder if there is a bit of OCD in that as well. I know that there is definitely OCD when it comes to the assurance of salvation. I have been saved for many years and I cannot stand having doubts about my salvation. I know Your word gives me understanding, reproof, and correction, but I have doubts about being saved. I wonder how I should say a prayer in order to be saved. How does one become saved anyway?
Last night or rather, this weekend, I felt like I needed to make a decision about something big. In fact, it wasn't in reality. The world does mundane things every day. I often wish I could live in the mundane. I really don't like having OCD. I don't just want to manage having OCD anymore. I want to be healed from it. I need to be healed. My desire is to be healed. I hate having these fears sometimes. I wish that You could just take them away. But even then, I realize that this frustration too shall pass, yet I don't wish for life to be a vicious cycle which it has become. Get me out of that vicious cycle. I just cannot take it anymore. I ask You for wisdom and for strength.
I cannot take it anymore.
Letters to God