I just read through a blog entry about women being comfortable in their own skin. The truth is, I do want to lose weight. But I don't know what You think about it. I cannot do this on my own. I need someone to hold me accountable but I wonder if they were to have the same goal in mind as I do. Where would I go to find a person?
I am motivated but I am overwhelmed at the same time. Losing weight I have discovered is not a puzzle. It isn't about trying to fit pieces together. It is about something else. It is about wanting to be whole, whatever that means. I am not content right now. I am not happy or healthy. I don't like the way I look. I feel guilty about gaining all more than 100 pounds over the years.
But I also wonder why? Why do I feel guilty? Life was never problem-free for me. I was either bullied, teased, gossiped about, disliked, or feeling down regardless of my size. I would however, like to feel better about myself. What scares me most is the world around me. Would they see me any differently than they do now? How would they see me? How will I be? If I were to weigh what I did 20-25 years ago, would I still be happy?
Am I happier now? I can truly relate to this blog. I do want to lose weight but I want to do this for me. I have an appointment this week and I am concerned that I won't have anything to show for it, which I don't. The truth of the matter is, I have not produced any results that I am proud of. My diet isn't healthy and I don't exercise enough, apparently. I have gotten lazier and more clueless over the years. That may not be the case, but that is how I am feeling at the moment.
I don't know what I am doing. I am asking for guidance. I am too stressed out about my health and that is making my health worse I think. Things are not improving because I am not improving. I am just not trying. My thinking is all wrong and it is time that I open my eyes, which is what I ask for You to do. Lord, open my eyes that I will able to see for I lack wisdom and I am blind.
Help me to set a realistic goal for myself and I trust You. I leave everything in Your hand.
In Jesus' name,