Sunday, January 24, 2016

I have no desire

Lord,

How come I don't have that moment?  Where is the spark?  I need to lose weight.  I am over 300-lb., which would make me super morbidly obese because of my height.  My question is am I losing weight for the wrong reasons?  Am I really doing this for me?  I have every reason to lose weight.  I broke a chair or two.  I have been teased and made fun of.  I fell down the stairs twice.  I feel like a person who is broken.  I hate the way that I look.  I don't see the beauty in myself.  I am fat, short, boring, and just not attractive enough.  I would be considered one of those fat people who have a pretty face but I need to lose weight.  There are just times when I feel so unattractive and so ugly. I fear that others will make fun of me, reject me, or laugh at me.  I know my weight is a problem, but I am not sure if my weight is such an issue because my heart just isn't in it.  I have no desire no matter how much I try to change.  I have this mindset that is unable to change.  I feel guilty about gaining weight.  I am comfortable because I am complacent.  I need to exercise, but I rather not.  I wish I could do those things, but I feel tired.  I have made no progress.  I have struggled and struggled and struggled.  My desire is to have a desire.  I just don't and that is not a good thing.  I just don't know what to do.  I just cannot wait anymore.  I just cannot wait any longer.  I want to be more than just a number on a scale.  My goal is to have a goal.  I just have no true desire and that scares me.

In Jesus' name,


Amen