I want to be saved

Lord,

I have had doubts about being saved.  It has been many years for me and it hasn't always been so easy.  I was triggered by the Lordship Salvation teaching.  I am just scared and have been for a long time.  I don't always read and study the Bible and haven't been doing much of that until lately.  How can I say I am a Christian if all I have is doubts?  I doubt that Jesus saved me right now.  I am afraid that if I die right now, I will not be in Heaven with You.  I admit that that is all I want but I know You expect more from all of us, including myself.  I have not done as much like I should.  My motives have not been pure.  I do not trust myself.  I know and believe that You are the only way to the Father, Jesus, and I ask that You will save me.  Sometimes I don't know how to ask for things because I either get tongue tied or because my prayers don't get answered.  I do wonder if I am a hypocrite who trusted in her own righteousness.  I have all of these issues that I believe that You can fix.  I believe that You are Lord and Savior and that Jesus is Your Son.  My heart seems cold but my mind is not so cold.  I want to have faith in You and right now, I don't.  I feel pretty bad about this because it is as though I never been saved.  It is as if I have been deceiving myself.  I am not sure if this is an obsessive thought due to scrupulosity or not, but it is hard to believe it is an obsessive thought at the same time.

I am honesty not sure if I am of the faith.  I am not sure if You truly know me.  Your word says that we are saved by faith, so I ask You to increase my faith.  I was first saved while in college.  I was going through a lot and a friend asked me about my belief in You.  I told her that I did.  I was a lonely 19 year old who poured my heart out that afternoon.  I prayed to accept or receive You after that and things have changed since.  Thank You.  Now after more than 20 years, it is as if I am not sure if I am of the faith.  Right now, I am dealing with identity and health issues. Yes, I don't want to spend eternity apart from You, but I know that there is more to being a believer than a ticket to Heaven.  I want to know who I am and why I am here.  I want to know how to be born again. I ask for Your wisdom and guidance in this manner.  I also ask for forgiveness of sins and for healing.  I am too sensitive and I think I am saved, but I have my doubts.  I wish I didn't have those doubts and I wish I didn't believe so much what my mind says.  I ask that Jesus Christ would save me.  I ask You for guidance in that I will be able to hear Your voice.  I ask to be purified and made whole.  I ask You also for peace of mind.  Thank You for answering my prayer.

In Jesus' name,

Amen