Sunday, January 25, 2015

How I really feel

Heavenly Father,

I have been feeling discouragement.  I feel like throwing in the towel.  I just cannot take these thoughts and all the avoidance that comes with it.  Nowadays I wonder if holy living is just another term for avoidance.  I know for a fact that avoidance is not healthy.  In fact, it has made my world smaller.  It has in fact made things worse.  The issues that flow out of my fictional world and my real world are that encouraging.  I don't know the difference between living in a world where I should avoid things because they are wrong verses holy living and shutting myself off from it.  I am scared that I will never overcome these thoughts.  I just don't want them.  I don't need them in my life. Whoever decided that I have these thoughts is being rather cruel.  I ask for healing and to be given a chance to change myself and to live life. I cannot live life as it is.

 I cannot live as things are right now.  Something is wrong with me.  I have no life outside of the confines of this house.  To be honest, I have nothing to be grateful for.  I am not a happy person who has done everything I know to do to get out of or change my situation and I am stuck.  I hate this and I don't like me.  I have low self-esteem and I hate that I have low self-esteem.  The whole world knows that there is something wrong with me.  In life, I have nothing to show for it.  My life is filled with resentment and unhappiness.  I am not happy with the way things are.  Why is this happening to me?  What is going on?  I hate myself most of all.  I have to be honest with You.  I am angry with You for not always being there for me.

I have nothing to be grateful about.  I try to be grateful about.  I have nothing.  I have nothing to show for it.  I am nothing in this world.  I have no sense of direction and I need guidance.  I ask that You would show me what I need to do and You have never answered that.  That is why I doubt You.  I am angry and hurt that You would leave me like this.  The world has passed me by and for years I wasn't sure why.  I don't hate You, but I doubt You.  I have had my doubts for years.  All I have ever wanted is for You to answer my prayers.  Every time I am thankful I feel like I am lying.  I am not a nice person.  However, for the first time in a long time, I can finally be honest.  I have no purpose and whenever I have asked You never answer.

I am alone and now I am upset with You.  Why do You do this to me?  What have I done to deserve this?  I know why I feel so alone.  It is because of You.  I ask for a lot but I end up with nothing.  I seem to be ungrateful and that is because I am.  Why do I feel this anger towards You?  Because I cannot take life as it is.  I have grown complacent with the way things are and that is what is wrong with me.  I have plans of my own and I wish that You could give me a purpose.  I have asked for a purpose but it seems that I have not.  The truth is, I am angry, miserable, resentful, lonely, and sad that I am all alone.  You are God and You answer prayer, but why has that not been the case for me?  Why do I feel that You leave me behind?  That is how I feel right now and probably have been feeling for years.  Help me to understand why You allow me to live like this.  I have nothing to show for it.  Why don't You help me?  I have done nothing wrong, absolutely nothing.  It is not fair.


Letters to God