Monday, January 12, 2015

Forgiveness and without doubt

Heavenly Father,

Forgive me for being unforgiving and resentful.  Jesus Christ saved and forgiven me.  I extend that love and forgiveness to others.  It would be hypocritical to not forgive.  It is something that could be tearing me apart, but I have to forgive.  Show me how to be more forgiving.  Convict me of this and all of other sins.  The roots of my unforgiveness has largely been myself.  I don't like and respect myself.  Because of this I have become fearful that others would harm me.  I have a hard time believing in the compliments that others gave me.  I don't usually believe that someone can see anything good in me, especially about my appearance.  I have been overwhelmed with being unforgiving, resentful, and self-conscious.  I felt trapped and alone.  I felt stepped on and walked over.  Other people have controlled me and I was losing the power I could have had.  I don't want to live this way for the rest of my life.  I wanted to be seen one way and that is what happened.  There was one incident in particular that triggered it.  I was a third grader; I was told that I was mean.  That is where I began to lose my self.  I still have troubles such as caring what others think.  I

 have given all of my power and all of my self to others.  I wonder if that is why believe I have no real identity. I wonder if I have any purpose.  I have worn my emotions and heart on my sleeve yet ironically I have kept things in.  I have often wondered things about me such as if I will truly change because the world says so.  I would like to know if there was a way I could overcome that.  I ask for anything that would involve a change in my life and in my personality meaning my concept of who and what I am.  I need Your council.  I sometimes isolate myself because I live in a fantasy world where I am stronger and wiser.  No one thinks I am ugly or stupid.  I have been called everything but a child of God.  I felt like and wonder if I have proven others right.  What is so sad and what is so ironic is that those same people probably don't care about me, as if I was a simpleton.  I was never the most popular kid in school nor was seemed to not have been well-liked in college.  I was often laughed at and unable to fit in.

How do I begin to change that?  Where do I begin?  Maybe it isn't really about me, but about You.  I was told by a student that I needed to change.  I felt I was never taken seriously.  I never gotten over the past and it has made me sad, alone, and unforgiving of myself and sometimes of others.  I am only filled with wonderment because I no clue about myself.  I find myself about to look back and believe that if only my life was different, how would things have turned out.  I have issues with myself and it took me until my 30s and 40s to see the picture clearly.  Show me what I need to begin. I have no clue what I am supposed to do.  Even the simplest of advice overwhelms me.  I have gotten stressed out and that worries me.  I have been stressful most of my life and I would like a change in my situation but I cannot do this all alone.  I need You.  I ask for Your forgiveness and Your cleansing and to envelop me with Your grace.  Teach me about grace and mercy.  You have extended it both to me.  Now if only I can extend it to myself and others.

I praise and give thanks to You for taking the time to not only read this but to answer my prayer.  I cannot take a joke.  I have become a stick in the mud.  Have people of the world ever respected or loved much less like me?  Am I a friend of the world or an enemy of God?  I have been convicted of this and I wonder if that is the case.  My desire is to be Your friend and to be an enemy of the world. Lord, help me to look forward and live in the past.  Physically I live in the present, but my mind and my heart are stuck in the past.  Sometimes I am lonely and feel lonely.  I need Your help.  I present myself and my request to You.

Give me the peace of mind that I so need.  Help me to not be anxious and not to worry.  Give me the love, power, and the sound mind that I so need.  My desire, Lord, is to be thankful, grateful, wise, and move forward.  Give me that direction that I am in need of.  I have asked for a sense of direction, but because I am stuck, I became doubtful.  I ask not only for an increase in faith, but also for forgiveness for being doubtful.  I pray all of this in the most sincerest of faith.  In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

In Jesus' name,