Monday, January 26, 2015

God's forgiveness and provisions.

Heavenly Father,

I am sorry for being so rude to You.  I thought it was just mere frustration.  It was rude and thoughtless.  Help me to see that there really are people who are grateful even though they seem to be worse off.  I am also sorry for my lack of faith.  I wish I wasn't so frustrated and so rude about it. Thank You for opening my eyes.  I believe that with You, all things are possible.  Maybe all I can do is wait and have faith.  I wish I were more grateful but as it stands, I have not been, and I repent for my rude behavior yesterday.  I just want for things to change, but I have finally realize that my reasoning for that was not out of pure motives but out of what others think.  I still care too much what others think.  I have made poor choices and I believe those poor choices have left me to this point.  I am just tired, but should I be?  I would like to know what You have in store for my life.  I want to know so badly.  I don't feel as alone as I did 24 hours ago.  I wish that I hadn't written that letter to You.  I was so discouraged.  I hate having these thoughts but I love the high that comes with the release of anxiety, so there are parts that are not as bad.  I wish that I hadn't though.  Help me to think things through in every area of my life.  I don't know what I want to do still but at my age I have felt like life has and still is passing me by.

Help me look at life and see things for what they really are.  I haven't done that yet and that is why I ask You for a sense of direction.  I have also been called names because of my weight.  I will be seen by some in one way.  I wish that I had not seen myself in that way.  Thank You for convicting me of my sins and I ask that You would cleanse me from my faults, for I realize that I have quite a few of them.  I am sorry but I lack in faith and I still have doubts.  I wish I did not for I would like to have my prayers answered.  I should not expect anything from You so I ask for Your forgiveness for having doubts that You would answer my prayers.  I need immediate assistance as now having been given a clean slate, I am in need of wisdom.  I ask You for wisdom in that I realize that I have to start over.  That is how I feel.  I realize that I need to do things and think things differently.  For example, my mind says one thing but what I write doesn't register.  I am concerned about this.  For another example, I do care what others think, too much.  Because of this I feel like I have to please them and to be considerate of others.  I don't think people see me in a positive light and I want that to change.  I want to change because I need to, not because of what others think.  I am scared of others doing terrible things to me as it has been done in the past.  I cannot move past it nor can I see the present with a clear lens.

Now having said that, I have no idea what to do and where to go.  I do believe that if had to not do things to be like the world, to spend this, to spend that, and to please others, then I know I wouldn't have been so frustrated as I was 24 hours ago. Having said those things, I have come to realize that I have a relationship with You and You alone.  I cannot live my life for others and the rest of the world.  I have to live a holy life and so far, I am not doing a good job of living a holy life being set apart from the world while being set apart for You.  I have often used being holy as an excuse to not focus on things that have importance on my life.  However all things are big to You, but they have no business being such a focus. For example, I like to watch television, but I find myself getting all caught up with fictional characters. Setting myself apart isn't about holiness in that aspect.  It is about avoidance, which is a symptom of the OCD that I do not like.

I am so honest with You right now that I praise You.  Thank You.  I love You, Lord, and I want to live and breathe holiness, not holier than thou and having such an attitude.  I am sorry for my attitude and placing too much importance on scary obsessive thoughts about movies, music, and tv shows.  I wish that You would guide me into not watching television or listen to bothersome music at all and that I would I have a pure heart and a pure mind with pure motives.  I ask that You would purify my heart, mind, and motives.  I know that there is a difference between holiness and also avoidance because of anxiety.  Your word says be anxious for nothing but the problem is, I get too anxious and too fearful and I need Your help in overcoming those things.  I need guidance so that I will not entertain and read a book because of avoidance verses holiness.  What should I do about avoidance; how should I deal with avoidance?

I have been given much advice, but it has been hard to register.  I am not dumb, but sometimes I feel this way because while the answers are simple, it is hard for me to follow.  Why can I not learn to eat fruits and vegetables even when I formulate a meal plan?  I meant o exercise today but I didn't.  I wish I could just do the things that I plan.  It would go a long way into losing weight.  Over the years I have become too complacent with the way things are.  I realize that there is more for me and I admit that I wish I knew what it was.  I guess it is all about walking that narrow road with faith and endurance.

What has happened to me, I ask?  I have felt guilty about my weight gain over the years.  However, could I weigh the way I did when I was in high school.  I don't think that I have aged well.  I don't think that I am as attractive to the opposite sex as I should be.  I just have these passing thoughts about myself.  I tire of the rude comments to my face and behind my back.  They are mean and hurtful.  I want to be heard.  Father, I ask that You would hear me.  I now have no idea why I want to lose weight now.  I don't even know what my goals are or how much I want to weigh.  All I know that I will be okay if I were to lose the weight that I have gained before having PCOS, which is 60 pounds.  I will be fine with that, but I don't wish to be complacent at that weight.  That is an issue that I struggle with, being too complacent.  I wish I had a magic formula so that I won't stay complacent and so I can make the first move.  All I know is that I won't stay complacent the way that I am and then all of a sudden gain more weight and lose a piece of myself.  I don't desire to weigh more than I do now.  I am not thrilled to be at the weight I am now.  I just want to be happy, healthy, and whole.  Please help me to overcome all of those things and give me the guidance I need.  Help me to see things as not only they are, but what it could be.  I am in need of Your guidance in all manner and every detail of my life.

Thank You,

In Jesus' name,