Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Having OCD and a rough night

Dear God,
How do I overcome my obsessions with infidelity? I read up on stories and I do a lot of checking up on infidelity. The infidelity is about wives committing infidelity. Sometimes I go into fiancees and girlfriends committing infidelity, but it is mainly about wives. I feel alone and I had a rough night due to the obsessions. I sometimes get at my wits end. How do I break the OCD cycle?

I felt guilty about reading up on things concerning a movie that I have not watched.  I am not sure I wish to see the movie.  It is about a bipolar man who lives with his parents after he catches his wife in the shower with another man.  Because of the violence he afflicted upon the other man, he could have been arrested and he goes to live with his parents. He meets this girl who is also mentally ill but later falls in love with. The father does not like the wife it seems, which is also a bone of contention for me.

I live in a fantasy world which means that reality may be too harsh for me, so what I do is stay safe.  I wish it wasn't like that.  I wish that I could do more for myself and not having to worry about something that is a trigger.  I feel alone in all of this, even when the thought goes away.  The thoughts come back but they are not as intense, but they are still annoying.  I don't know why I have thoughts about infidelity committed by wives.  It doesn't make sense and I know this.  Is avoidance a good thing or a bad thing?  I wondered that.

I need help in breaking the OCD cycle.  It is nothing but the obsession, the anxiety, the compulsion/checking, and relief only to have those start over again.  I am tired.  I cannot expose myself to infidelity committed by wives.  I just wish the thoughts could just pass and the OCD just "leave me alone".  It is like a bully that has given me a hard time and I feel like I cannot take it anymore.  I no longer know what to do and I cast all of my cares upon You.  I believe and know that You care for me.

Help me to overcome seeing negative, ungodly images that appear in my mind.  I need healing and I ask for guidance and healing.  I ask also for the wisdom to know the difference between me and the thoughts.  Last night the OCD was so intense.  I don't know what has happened.  I don't know if it is the enemy or not.  I have no idea.  All I know is that I need help and I cannot take it anymore.


Letters to God