I want You to be proud of me. I want to have no more crushes on anyone. I want to have a crush on You. I want to be obsessed with You. I have been having them for years now.. I would like for things to change. You have changed me. I know that being a believer is no easy ride. It has it bumps in the road, but it is well worth the walk. My walk has had its bumps, but like I mentioned earlier, it has had its difficulties. I am not one who has been a martyr, so I wonder what my cross is. Is it illness? I have had obsessive thoughts for so long that I couldn't live without them. They have been a large part of my life. I realize that I had to fight. However, one good thing came out of this and that is I have drawn closer to You. Thank You that I have gone closer. I have to admit that these thoughts have been rough. They have never been a joke and never will be. I am scared that one more "round" or one more thought will be around the corner. I want to live life as You have me see fit.
I don't want to live for myself or anyone else. I realize that it is time that I need to make changes in my life and in myself. Where do I begin? I ask for wise counsel and for guidance. Forgive me of all of my sins. I confess that I am a sinner and that You have saved me. Thank You. My goal is to live for You and serve You all the days of my life. I have had crushes and have been obsessed with others for years even up til today. I have to learn to embrace that fact. I am good enough to live, and love. That is what I believe that is part of what You created us for, to live and to love. I ask for a change in me and my relationship with You. I take full responsibility for my actions. Use me, for I am a blank slate. Take me as I am and change me. I am sure that You want to change my life, but what does Your word say about a changed person and a changed life. Help me and give me wise counsel on how to live for You as a saved person, a new creation in Christ.
I confess that I am not in a relationship. I also confess that maybe that could be the reason for all of the crushes and obsessions. I wasn't the popular kid. I was the smart, yet weird kid. I wish I had normal crushes all of the time. I had obsessions at times. I would act giddy around them. I would follow them. It was not easy to live my life sometimes. I centered my nights on them. I centered my days on them. I centered my hopes and dreams on them. It was as if they were the center of my world. It was as if I have committed idolatry since the men, living or dead, black or white, have been a center. I have learned to accept that it is okay to learn to love, to have crushes every once in a while.
However, do I know how to have a healthy crush? This latest crush has not been healthy. The man was handsome, very handsome. Was is the operative word because he is dead. I see his grave and it is so sobering. He had so much to live for. It is apparently obvious that I he like all of us have to answer for how we lived our lives, saved or unsaved. It was as if I couldn't make it without thinking of him. It was taken too far. I wasn't as familiar with his work until after his death. Sadly, I will never get to meet him. I thought it was because I was a fan, but it was not. I spent nights "falling in love". I would spend days crying about him. There will never be a relationship between him and I, and the fact that he is dead is something I have to accept. Yet I am no longer afraid to admit that I have these thoughts and feelings about him. Thank You for giving me that opportunity. Thank You for answering my prayers.
Sincerely,
Letters to God
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