Monday, May 11, 2015

Brand new creation


I want You to be proud of me.  I want to have no more crushes on anyone.  I want to have a crush on You. I want to be obsessed with You.  I have been having them for years now..  I would like for things to change. You have changed me.  I know that being a believer is no easy ride.  It has it bumps in the road, but it is well worth the walk.  My walk has had its bumps, but like I mentioned earlier, it has had its difficulties.  I am not one who has been a martyr, so I wonder what my cross is.  Is it illness?  I have had obsessive thoughts for so long that I couldn't live without them.  They have been a large part of my life.  I realize that I had to fight. However, one good thing came out of this and that is I have drawn closer to You.  Thank You that I have gone closer.  I have to admit that these thoughts have been rough.  They have never been a joke and never will be.  I am scared that one more "round" or one more thought will be around the corner.  I want to live life as You have me see fit. 

I don't want to live for myself or anyone else.  I realize that it is time that I need to make changes in my life and in myself.  Where do I begin?  I ask for wise counsel and for guidance.  Forgive me of all of my sins.  I confess that I am a sinner and that You have saved me.  Thank You.  My goal is to live for You and serve You all the days of my life.  I have had crushes and have been obsessed with others for years even up til today.  I have to learn to embrace that fact.  I am good enough to live, and love.  That is what I believe that is part of what You created us for, to live and to love.  I ask for a change in me and my relationship with You.  I take full responsibility for my actions.  Use me, for I am a blank slate.  Take me as I am and change me.  I am sure that You want to change my life, but what does Your word say about a changed person and a changed life.  Help me and give me wise counsel on how to live for You as a saved person, a new creation in Christ.

I confess that I am not in a relationship.  I also confess that maybe that could be the reason for all of the crushes and obsessions.  I wasn't the popular kid.  I was the smart, yet weird kid.  I wish I had normal crushes all of the time.  I had obsessions at times.  I would act giddy around them.  I would follow them. It was not easy to live my life sometimes.  I centered my nights on them.  I centered my days on them.  I centered my hopes and dreams on them.  It was as if they were the center of my world.  It was as if I have committed idolatry since the men, living or dead, black or white, have been a center.  I have learned to accept that it is okay to learn to love, to have crushes every once in a while.  

However, do I know how to have a healthy crush?  This latest crush has not been healthy.  The man was handsome, very handsome. Was is the operative word because he is dead.  I see his grave and it is so sobering.  He had so much to live for.  It is apparently obvious that I he like all of us have to answer for how we lived our lives, saved or unsaved.  It was as if I couldn't make it without thinking of him.  It was taken too far.  I wasn't as familiar with his work until after his death.  Sadly, I will never get to meet him.  I thought it was because I was a fan, but it was not. I spent nights "falling in love".  I would spend days crying about him. There will never be a relationship between him and I, and the fact that he is dead is something I have to accept.  Yet I am no longer afraid to admit that I have these thoughts and feelings about him.  Thank You for giving me that opportunity.  Thank You for answering my prayers.


Letters to God