Sunday, November 15, 2015

Doubting and OCD


As You know, I have obsessive compulsive disorder and I am here to say that it has made my doubting worse.  For years I have had doubts about being saved.  I am scared.  I am fearful that I am not saved.  I even had a thought today that I will end up in Hell when I die.  I am fearful sometimes of dying.  There are things that I have not asked for forgiveness for.

I fear that I may also be a racist. I wince whenever I see a picture of an interracial couple.  It is because I have thoughts of what other people think and that is a problem.  I believe that it is a trigger to why I have some of these racist thoughts.  Interracial couplings never bothered me before so why now?  Deep down I have no problem with interracial relationships so why now?  Is there some hidden prejudice or racist thoughts inside of me?  Am I truly a saved free from racist feelings?

Maybe I am saved or I wouldn't have thoughts and doubts about it, and the racism thing.  Whenever I see a white person, sometimes I have racist or prejudiced thoughts, especially if I am going somewhere.  I even repeat prejudiced thoughts. I know that I have a problem with obsessive thoughts as I tend to be obsessed about race and racism. I realize that I am not totally over it and that bothers me.  I really need help with these topics of obsessive thoughts, Lord.

I don't know what else to do, but I am glad that I have confessed these issues to You.  I feel like I have sinned over and over again whenever I have doubts.  I know that it is the doubting disease but I ask to be cured.  I get tired of just managing this disorder and sometimes I have thoughts that bother me greatly and also the images as well.  I realize that they are exaggerated, at times, but there are times when I don't always see that.  I don't like having obsessive compulsive disorder, but at least it has drawn me closer to You.

I thank You that it has drawn me closer to You.  I do believe this and for that, I thank You.  Anything can be a trigger to an obsessive thought, and that has me afraid.  Show me and teach me Your will and Your words.  I want to be connected to You in every way, shape, and form.  Draw me to You.  I ask for a closer walk with You.  I am tired of having these doubts and these thoughts.  I feel like sometimes the reason why things have been the way they have been is because I have these doubts.  I realize that I have issues, and they are deep seated, but I have to see that You are greater.  Help me to see that and help me to live according to Your Word.  Help me to endure, and I thank You for Your leading and Your guidance, which I ask for.  Thank You for answering my prayer tonight.

In Jesus' name,