I ask for Your forgiveness for all of my sins. I have spent so much time struggling that I admit that I don't take the time to take action. Even if I do, it ends up overwhelming me. That is the problem. I need to take a break. I could take a break from reality but I don't always live in reality. I am not addicted to going online but I realize for a while that I have spent too much time online and not time living in the "real world". I live and have lived in a "fantasy world" where I am rich, famous, and have "real life" problems. The irony is obvious. Reality is something that not even I can escape from in the fantasy world.
I have become not a godly person but a well-meaning "stick in the mud". I need to get out more. I live in a safe world and because of that, I have no real idea of how to live in the real world. I feel saddened that there are things that I could do and I would like to do, but I don't know how to do so or just gave up on doing it. Lord, I ask for guidance and wisdom. I have all the knowledge in the world, but now I finally realize that I am an example of the more one learns the less one knows. I feel for that reason, I am alone in the world lacking in wisdom. I need guidance and that is why I ask for those things. I have become isolated and I have become complacent, if not too complacent. I feel it is that I like the privacy that comes with isolation but even that becomes depressing at times.
I have prayed about it often over the years. I do need to get out more. I do pray a lot about it in some form or fashion. Is it true that God helps those who help themselves? Nowhere in the Bible have I found that. Maybe the helping themselves is about faith. I guess because I have had struggles with a lack of faith and doubt that things have not improved. Things have not changed. I would love for things to change. I wonder now if the reason why things have changed is because I have not changed. For years I felt like the world has passed me by. It has been over a decade since that has happened.
I think that maybe if it is biblical, I need to do more to help myself. If that is the case, then I need to touch the hem of Your garment, Lord. I feel like I have wasted my life, and that I haven't accomplished anything in the last ten years. My only goal is to be independent. I now wonder what was and is Your goal. I have no clue what Your will for my life. Why Lord, am I here? If Judgement was tonight, then what would I have accomplished? All I know is that I won't have to be judged in the Great White Throne. Thank You for giving me the insight that I so needed to write this prayer or rather, "letter".
In Your name, Jesus, Amen.