Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Wonderment and struggle


I ask for Your forgiveness for all of my sins.  I have spent so much time struggling that I admit that I don't take the time to take action.  Even if I do, it ends up overwhelming me.  That is the problem.  I need to take a break.  I could take a break from reality but I don't always live in reality.  I am not addicted to going online but I realize for a while that I have spent too much time online and not time living in the "real world".  I live and have lived in a "fantasy world" where I am rich, famous, and have "real life" problems.  The irony is obvious.  Reality is something that not even I can escape from in the fantasy world.

I have become not a godly person but a well-meaning "stick in the mud".  I need to get out more.  I live in a safe world and because of that, I have no real idea of how to live in the real world.  I feel saddened that there are things that I could do and I would like to do, but I don't know how to do so or just gave up on doing it.  Lord, I ask for guidance and wisdom.  I have all the knowledge in the world, but now I finally realize that I am an example of the more one learns the less one knows.  I feel for that reason, I am alone in the world lacking in wisdom.  I need guidance and that is why I ask for those things.  I have become isolated and I have become complacent, if not too complacent.  I feel it is that I like the privacy that comes with isolation but even that becomes depressing at times.

I have prayed about it often over the years.  I do need to get out more.  I do pray a lot about it in some form or fashion.  Is it true that God helps those who help themselves?  Nowhere in the Bible have I found that.  Maybe the helping themselves is about faith.  I guess because I have had struggles with a lack of faith and doubt that things have not improved.  Things have not changed.  I would love for things to change.  I wonder now if the reason why things have changed is because I have not changed.  For years I felt like the world has passed me by.  It has been over a decade since that has happened.

I think that maybe if it is biblical, I need to do more to help myself.  If that is the case, then I need to touch the hem of Your garment, Lord.  I feel like I have wasted my life, and that I haven't accomplished anything in the last ten years.  My only goal is to be independent.  I now wonder what was and is Your goal.  I have no clue what Your will for my life.  Why Lord, am I here?  If Judgement was tonight, then what would I have accomplished?  All I know is that I won't have to be judged in the Great White Throne.  Thank You for giving me the insight that I so needed to write this prayer or rather, "letter".

In Your name, Jesus, Amen.