Saturday, October 18, 2014

Pouring my heart out to the Lord

Dear Heavenly Father,

I pour my heart out to You.  I am not afraid of other people per se, but I am afraid of what they may do to me.  I am not sure if it is the anxiety or if it is the low self-esteem.  However, it could be both.  I am not a strong, happy, wise person and I ask You for wisdom.  I feel like a failure at life without a sense of direction.  No matter how happy or joyful I try to be, it is overridden by the anxiety and fear.

I have cared so much what others think and have been so anxious when it comes to the real world. That is why I am in a fantasy world.  Am I really as shy as I think?  I even had obsessive thoughts about being bulled and not being strong enough to stand up for myself.  They are no longer bothersome or exist, but at the same time, I do have passing thoughts.  I live in a fantasy world for that reason.  Today I know of the pitfalls of living in a fantasy world.

The fantasy world has become a solace for the real world.  I was hoping that I would grow out of it.  I was hoping that I would learn to embrace life and reality in general like I have embraced my age. Maybe I am focusing on my age a bit too much.  I guess it is more of an issue than I would like for it to be.  My guess is also that I have a load of issues that I have failed to address.

What are the real root causes of my issues?  Why am I so fearful and so anxious?  Why do I need to live in a fantasy world at 40 years old?  The truth is, I would grow out of things like I did out of wrestling for the most part.  Sure I watch it every now and then and even contribute to wrestling threads on Facebook.  But I have grown out of watching it.  I would love nothing more than to grow out of my fantasy world and into reality.  That would be very nice.  But most of all, I would like to grown out of being fearful and anxious.  That would be even nicer.


Letters to God