Friday, October 17, 2014

Changing myself and my life

Dear Heavenly Father,

It is time for me to think about my eternal destination.  I am not sure where I stand.  My identity is unsure.  In other words, I don't know who I am in Jesus Christ.  I don't feel good about being stuck in my fantasy world.  That world shields me from whatever problems are in the real world.  It helps me to cope with anxiety.  I realize that deep down that others, including myself, may think that I am crazy.  I am a shy person in reality, so it is hard for me to express myself.  I am also bored.  That is why I would like to do more for myself.  As You can see, I am not sure about a lot of things.

I am also worried that maybe just maybe that I have nothing to show for it in reality.  Nothing has changed.  I don't know how to change.  I need Your help.  I would like to do more for myself and not fall asleep all day.  That is for animals, sick people, and older people.  I write this at the risk of being rude.  I am too young to not accomplish things and not have a social life.  I am too old to stay stuck in a daily rut.  I have gotten too used to this life. I have taken life for granted.  I need help.

I am at the computer writing this because sitting at the computer and listening to music provides solace for me.  I have proven others right.  I am lazy, without direction, and proper understanding of the world around me.  I don't go to school.  I don't work anywhere.  I have looked for jobs in the past.  My skills are lacking because it has been over a decade since I have done something.  I am not a happy person.  I am worried about myself and my soul.  What should I do now and where will I be headed if You were to come back today?  Right now, I have no idea.  I need guidance, but I feel like I am invisible and that You won't answer.  Will an answer be on its way?  I prayed about this and I feel like I will end up the way I am.  I will always be stuck.  I hate my life.  I just don't my life.  That is why I have a fantasy world and I am happy to live in it.  I don't wish to feel this way.

I am self-centered and isolated.  I just don't like some people, including myself.  I would like a true friend.  I would like a job.  I would like and wish a lot of things.  That doesn't mean that those things will come true.  I have prayed the same prayers over and over again.  I would like to change my situation, but I wouldn't know where to begin.  The problem is low self-esteem and no transportation. I don't know how to drive.  Because of this, I feel like I am far behind.  I have gotten complacent in being isolated and living in a fantasy world.

I hate my existence.  What is it like to like oneself?  I don't always feel that way.  What is it like to drive a car?  What is it like to go to church or somewhere else and get to meet people?  I sometimes feel that no one cares about me or my opinions.  I don't feel like a smart person because I have proven not to be a strong person.  I am not a strong person.  I am unhappy.  I have issues with being happy.  I am lonely.  I need You, Lord.  I have always wanted an answer.  I want You to hear me.  I understand that You have plans for me that are without limit and greater than what I wish.  I wish that You would guide me and make me wise.  Lord, I want to live in an existence where I can handle reality.  I can handle reality and not be anxious.  I have gotten used to this existence like it is right now.  That is nice.  That is all I would want.  Money would be nice for finances have been an issue.  I would like to just have the strength to move forward.  I would like to exercise effectively, eat a proper diet, have strength of mindset and character.  I would also like to have a life.

I am tired of the thoughts about how I am lazy.  I hate being fixated on being fat.  I would like to be praiseworthy and more thankful.  I seems like that this is too much to ask, but I keep hearing and reading that there is nothing that is too hard for You.  How is this possible?  I wish it were possible for me.  If I could make a change, I could change my world and change my self existence. That would be my dreamed for existence.  I would be a happier person.


Letters to God