There are times when I have difficulty expressing myself to You. All is not well with me. Maybe that is the problem. I cannot only call on You when things are not perfect. As long as I am alive, things will never be 100 percent perfect, whatever that means. I will always have problems. I wish that I knew all of the answers sometimes, but the truth is, I don't.
I just would like to know if I could understand why I have so many uncertainties about myself and the world that we live in. Is he a racist? How long will I live? How many affairs has she had so far and why? Those are questions that I ask everyday. It is amazing that I can live through it. It is amazing how anyone can live through illness. Some have AIDS, are HIV positive, have cancer, and have mental illness.
I do have psychological issues. I have been told about the chemical imbalance. But I wonder about that as well. Do I really have those issues? What has triggered those issues? What if I have known about these issues beforehand? I wonder about those things, especially about one of those issues. I am not healthy and I get tired of taking medication and admitting that I am a young diabetic who takes a lot of meds is not a badge of honor. I feel ashamed.
I wish I never had to take medication. I realize that I have to, but it can be a lot and I feel a lot of guilt about things. My issues are minor compared to others. There are many who have worse medical conditions than I and it seems like they have so much more courage and so much more life than I do. They don't take life for granted because of their illnesses. They seem to be less guilt-ridden and more brave than I am. They are to be admired in my book.
I wish I had more admiration for myself. I only want what is best for me, no matter how selfish I sound. I would like for my prayer to be answered. I want to be thinner than I am. I want to be stronger than I am. I want to be richer than I am. I feel like I work hard and try too hard but always fail. It is a struggle for me at times and I wish that struggle was only a small part of life. What I have to realize is that life is unfair, so suffering is a part of life. Give me strength in times of suffering, for I am suffering.
I am suffering that seems to be all but broken. My self esteem is quite low and I have too little understanding about what it is like to have high self-confidence. I want to live a godly life. I would like to be decisive, have good moral character, and be a good wife and mother. Being like a Proverbs 31 wife doesn't look to be easy, but she is one great role model for women. She is beautiful inside, confident, trustworthy, and most of all, godly. I see myself and I don't like what I see.
I am 39 years old, which means that I am nearing middle age. I have all of the signs of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, the facial hair and the obesity. I am not rich, so I don't have enough money to save on and I feel guilty about that. I would like to work or do anything moral or honest to earn money. I hate the situation I am in and I am trying to get out of it. I would like to say something good about myself but even being grateful is a struggle. I know that I complain a lot, so I ask that You would help me to be more grateful. I surrender myself over to You.
I need You, Lord. I need You. I do not know what I am doing on this planet. I sometimes don't know how to make it on my own, though I would like to. God, give me strength.
Sincerely,
Letters to God
