Saturday, April 26, 2014

Pouring out

Dear Heavenly Father,

There are times when I have difficulty expressing myself to You. All is not well with me.  Maybe that is the problem.  I cannot only call on You when things are not perfect.  As long as I am alive, things will never be 100 percent perfect, whatever that means.  I will always have problems.  I wish that I knew all of the answers sometimes, but the truth is, I don't.

I just would like to know if I could understand why I have so many uncertainties about myself and the world that we live in.  Is he a racist?  How long will I live?  How many affairs has she had so far and why?  Those are questions that I ask everyday.  It is amazing that I can live through it.  It is amazing how anyone can live through illness.  Some have AIDS, are HIV positive, have cancer, and have mental illness.

I do have psychological issues.  I have been told about the chemical imbalance.  But I wonder about that as well.  Do I really have those issues?  What has triggered those issues?  What if I have known about these issues beforehand?  I wonder about those things, especially about one of those issues.  I am not healthy and I get tired of taking medication and admitting that I am a young diabetic who takes a lot of meds is not a badge of honor.  I feel ashamed.

I wish I never had to take medication.  I realize that I have to, but it can be a lot and I feel a lot of guilt about things.  My issues are minor compared to others.  There are many who have worse medical conditions than I and it seems like they have so much more courage and so much more life than I do.  They don't take life for granted because of their illnesses.  They seem to be less guilt-ridden and more brave than I am.  They are to be admired in my book.

I wish I had more admiration for myself.  I only want what is best for me, no matter how selfish I sound.  I would like for my prayer to be answered.  I want to be thinner than I am.  I want to be stronger than I am.  I want to be richer than I am.  I feel like I work hard and try too hard but always fail.  It is a struggle for me at times and I wish that struggle was only a small part of life.  What I have to realize is that life is unfair, so suffering is a part of life.  Give me strength in times of suffering, for I am suffering.

I am suffering that seems to be all but broken.  My self esteem is quite low and I have too little understanding about what it is like to have high self-confidence.  I want to live a godly life.  I would like to be decisive, have good moral character, and be a good wife and mother.  Being like a Proverbs 31 wife doesn't look to be easy, but she is one great role model for women.  She is beautiful inside, confident, trustworthy, and most of all, godly.  I see myself and I don't like what I see.

I am 39 years old, which means that I am nearing middle age.  I have all of the signs of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, the facial hair and the obesity.  I am not rich, so I don't have enough money to save on and I feel guilty about that.  I would like to work or do anything moral or honest to earn money.  I hate the situation I am in and I am trying to get out of it.  I would like to say something good about myself but even being grateful is a struggle.  I know that I complain a lot, so I ask that You would help me to be more grateful.  I surrender myself over to You.

I need You, Lord.  I need You.  I do not know what I am doing on this planet.  I sometimes don't know how to make it on my own, though I would like to.  God, give me strength.


Letters to God