Saturday, April 12, 2014

My identity

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am leery of preachers and other so-called believers in Christ Jesus.  I am a person who dislikes it when people misinterpret the scriptures.  For instance, "I never knew You".  Does it mean people who are disobedient in general or is it for false prophets?  I have so many questions that I wish to ask You, Lord.

I want to live right and serve You, but I admit that it hasn't always been so easy.  Lately, I have been thinking about eternity and there are times when I feel that I am not ready.  There are things that I don't like about myself and I wonder how things can be changed.  I want to change, but I don't know how to ask for a change of heart, spirit, soul, and character.  I actually don't like me.  I don't always take care of myself for I have become lazy over the years.

I can be rude, self-centered, and maybe even a bit clueless about the world.  I want to change because I want to live a life that is pleasing to You.  I cannot do that in the state I am living in.  I just want to know what I need to get rid of and what I need to add to my life.  My life is full of things that I am grateful for.  I admit that I am not always grateful.  There are times when I feel that not even I don't know who I am.  I am lost and I feel lost.  Are You greater than my circumstances?  Help me, for I am a doubting Thomas.

Doubt has been a problem of mine for a long time.  I doubt that You would answer my prayers.  I admit that I am a double-minded person and that I should not expect my prayers to be answered because of this reason.  I would like for my prayers to be answered but I would like to know how to get rid of the doubt and all of the negativity in my life.  Help me to increase my faith, for it is not as strong as I would like for it to be.

My life is filled with obsessive thoughts, doubts, secret sins, and fears.  I have fears about confrontation and being yelled at.  I fear other people and what they could do to me if I don't conform to their standards.  I fear being entertained for I am afraid of a new set of thoughts that could be triggered.  I know avoidance is not good, but I feel safe due to the avoidance.  I find myself drawn to the things that scare me sometimes and also to those I feel like I think I have romantic feelings for.

For example, I find myself "falling" for a young man who has died at age 36.  He was the son of a world famous actor and I find myself having a crush on him.  He gives me great comfort and I think about him often.  I wonder if this is idolatry.  I wonder if I am sinning because of obsessive thoughts and doubts about being born again.  I have often wondered if I will ever be a true believer in Christ.  Forgive me, Jesus, for all of my sins, and I thank You for doing so.


Letters to God