Saturday, April 19, 2014

OCD Persona

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank You for taking away the mental disconnect that I had in the last few days.  Thank You for spiritually making me alive.  I was numb spiritually and I thank You for Your forgiveness and Your love for me.  Give me the strength to make it through the day, everyday.

I am renewed because of Your love and forgiveness.  Thank You.  I am writing this because I talked to You and I wasn't so shy and disconnected.  I owe You so much tonight.  My life has been one big obsession after another after another after another.

The OCD is not just an annoying issue, but seemingly a part of me.  I need to be careful because the "personage" of the OCD has been around for a long time.  It has become a part of my identity and it scares me.  I don't feel guilty about that, but I do feel as if it does control my life.  It makes me wonder about my identity.  I know it is not me as a whole person, but it is the OCD "persona".

I find myself caring about what the OCD "persona" thinks and it has influenced my beliefs.  That is what concerns me.  I wish I could get over it and move forward but I cannot, because it is just not that simple.  I wonder sometimes what it would be like to not have an obsessive thought for just one day.  It would be a great day of relief.  However, if they were gone, now what?

I cannot imagine my life without this "persona" yet I wonder what kind of person I would be without it.  I have had it for so long I cannot comprehend not the relief but just the freedom that it comes without the thoughts and the compulsions.  I am here to write that I want to have a life, but I want to live and be obsessed with You.

I want to live.  I want to grow.  I want to serve.  I thank You for saving me.  I wish I didn't care about a book written, a celebrity divorce, or a celebrity crush or obsession.  I wish that I didn't care about a woman who is cheating, a person, living or dead, or even a kidnapped baby.  Those things I find upsetting and sometimes incredibly sad that people would do such horrible things.  I guess those are the things that the "persona" wants me to think.  But what do I want to think?  What should I care about?  I just hate having to live the alternatives to the "persona" because even then, do I feel like having been controlled by the "persona".

The "persona" has taken a life of its own for years and I felt like it is my fault for keeping it alive.  I have had symptoms of both OCD and bipolar for many years; I wonder if I were to have known about things earlier how different would things have been.  Sadly, I will never know.


Letters to God