Wednesday, April 9, 2014

I am in need of...

Dear God,

I need help.  I need to know how to get myself ready.  I am not prepared but too comfortable in the state that I'm in.  I need Your immediate attention.  I right now feel like giving up.  I am not really proud of or even like myself.  I was too down to even talk to You much less write this letter.  I am not sure what is really going on with me.  What sins have I not confessed or repented of?  I feel so alone at times.  I am not sure if this is common for believers but I wonder if I am even a true believer.  I want nothing more than hear Your voice.

I think that I am in a fantasy world and I feel like maybe I should stay there.  The real world is a rather cruel place.  I regret watching things or hearing about or reading up on things that I should not watch, hear, or read about.  For example, there are people who are mean-spirited enough to post videos or pics of their exes online for revenge.  Any man or woman who does this is disgusting in my eyes.  It is a despicable act and I just don't understand how anyone can be so cruel and be so vile.

This in turn makes me glad that I am not in a relationship.  I try to reason it out so that I can feel better, but I don't.  It doesn't make it go away yet some people will always be mean-spirited and do hurtful things to harm others for whatever reason.  I hate this world and the things in it.  Sometimes, I don't even like some of the people in this world.  I do come across as unChristian, and I am sorry, but I know that lying is also wrong.

Maybe I just needed to unleash.  Sometimes I wonder if You are trying to tell me something.  I know I am asking much, but not only do I ask You for forgiveness, but I ask for wisdom, guidance, and a sense of direction.  I often feel like this is the only prayer that You want for me to pray.  Yet on the other hand, nothing seems to change.  I am still stuck in the place where I am at.  I do wonder where I belong.  My life is a bore and living seems to be a chore.  I don't want to kill myself at all.  This is not about suicidal.  This is about change.

I need to get out of my comfort zone.  I may not know what I am asking for, but I realize that I need to change.  The truth is, however, I don't know how.  This is the most honest I have truly been and I am glad.  God, You know of all my flaws and my cares, which I shall cast them over to You.  The cares of this life have not choked me but they can be hard to deal with at times.  I admit that I have a rather naive view of life because I have been so sheltered, but it only means that having fun is not the biggest thing in the world.  I don't wish to be a hedonist nor seek pleasure for pleasure's sake.

I wish also that I can lift the burdens that are on my mind and are weighing on my heart.  Forgive me of my sins, and cleanse me from my unrighteousness.  Thank You for doing so and for knowing everything about me before I ask.  Thank You for the opportunity to allow me to just unleash and pray for guidance, and a sense of direction.

In Jesus' name,