Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Weight, holiness, and self image


Even so, come, Lord Jesus.  I live in a sinful, dying world that does not care about me, much less anyone else.  Help me to keep that in mind daily.  I get fearful and anxious when I try to put my mind into something, such as living holy and losing weight.  Regardless,  I realize that I need to not stress out so much on my weight.  I do have an issue with body image and I do focus more on my appearance than on being healthy and living a healthy lifestyle.  I now know what living a healthy lifestyle entails.  I am scared.  I lose losing weight is a big undertaking as I want to lose exactly 125 pounds.  I sometimes feel guilty about allowing myself to become a 300+ pound woman.  I have become more self-conscious than ever.  How do I recognize what You and Your word says with my weight struggles and being self-conscious about my body?  I am not ashamed to be fat, but I would like to know about living a healthy lifestyle due to having PCOS.  I do not wish or want to use PCOS as an excuse, but it is a condition that I have.  I am relieved that I was diagnosed as such.  I can do something about it, and now I know where to begin.  I have made so many mistakes with my weight that I became anxious and frustrated.  I would like to change that even if it takes a long time.

However, I am careful of what I say, think, or write because of my fear and anxiety.  Maybe I have approached things all wrong.  I jump into something only to falter or give up.  I don't want to live this way anymore.  I don't want to live.  I am anxious and frustrated because my weight goes up and down.  Part of this is because I give up on myself and I am lazy and just don't care.  I rather eat chocolate bars than eat an orange or broccoli sometimes.  In other words, healthy foods tend to at times be an acquired taste.  I am still anxious and scared as I write this and I have no idea how to overcome fear and anxiety.  I just want to change all of this because it seems that I am at the end of my rope.  I love the taste of food because it represents fun, party, and I enjoy the taste of food.  I realize that unhealthy food doesn't love me back anymore.  My desire and need is to see food in a healthy way.  Lord, I know Your word says that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"  Tonight, I ask for help and wisdom so that I can overcome my fear and anxiety.  I leave them in Your hands.  I need strength and help in this time because I want to be set free from them.  Help me to see my situation as You and Your Word see it.  I have prayed for years and years about this and I just no longer know how to overcome all of these things so that I can be healthy and reach my goals.

I have PCOS which may have been a cause of my having to deal with diabetes, high blood pressure, AND high cholesterol.  Right now, I am doing better and I think I am doing a better job of managing my diabetes.  My other real problem is that the consequences of unhealthy eating habits, poor body image, and a lack of exercise is that I have a hard time allowing things to sink in.  I don't really want to wait another few years in order to finally "get it".  That is what is going on.  I admit that I want for things to sink in immediately so that I can lose the weight and keep it off.  I want to have a better self image so that I want to be less self-conscious.  I often feel like I am too dumb to know what I am doing despite the fact that I have been given good advice.  The truth is, I have no idea how to follow even the simplest advice.  Sadly, I tend to make what is easy hard.  It was like this in college and it is like this now.  I have been advised to keep it simple.  That to me seems so easy, but it is hard.  I realize that I need a change of mindset so that it will finally sink in.  Help me and remind me to take better care of and have more respect for myself.

I don't want to diet and exercise, but I want to live a healthy lifestyle.  I am inspired to exercise and keep moving forward.  I don't feel so great about not exercising because of the motivation that I have to walk or do other exercises.  I wish that exercise doesn't have to be a chore.  Instead I want to know how to see exercise as not a chore.  Mentally I know the benefits of exercise but I admit to not taking the time to actually do it.  I just wish I could keep it simple.  I can not stay away from exercise and eating a large quantity of food and call it living a healthy lifestyle.  Help me to see, Father, that I am worth it, and have always been.  Help me to see that I sometimes have an unhealthy view of my body and of what is beautiful.  You see me as beautiful no matter if I see mostly "flaws".  Remind me. Father, that I can overcome any and everything if I leave things in Your hands.  I ask for forgiveness of my sins.  Make me a new creation in Jesus Christ and I ask You to further strengthen my faith and to remove all of those things that are stumbling blocks.  I wish change could be easy.  I wish I could ask You to make things easier, but is that something that You can answer?  Help me to allow advice to sink in.  I ask for a renewal of my mindset.

Thank You for answering my prayers and I ask for peace of mind.

In Jesus' name,   Amen.