Lord,
I have grown tired. There is too much anger and resentment going on. I am growing tired of the depression, the hurt feelings, the anxiety, and the fear. I cannot take it anymore. I am tired of the way things have been and the way things are. I want to make a change in my life. I need to make a change in my life. The truth is, I don't know how. People have walked over me all of my life. For the first time, I finally stood up. I finally told the truth. I am no longer afraid. The truth is, why do I feel so down? Why do I feel so bad? What is really wrong with me? I don't feel so good right now. I admit that I have done some things that I am not proud of, but there are other things that I may not have done wrong that I did not and still do not remember. I am hurting. I need help. I need and escape. It is time for me to change. I would like to change my life. I need to separate myself from what is going on. I just cannot take it anymore. I guess I am sensitive in that way. I hate my life now. I hate it even then. I have done wrong things like lying and hiding. I don't want others to know the truth.
But the point is, You know the truth. Forgive me, Father, for all of my sins. Change me and change my life. I need help from You. I thank You for loving me no matter what I do, write, think, or say. I even surprise myself. I hate what has happened tonight, but at least I can be honest with myself. I can finally be honest with You. I also believe that confession is good for the soul. I have no idea what was really going on with me until now. I hate confrontation, but tonight, it took confrontation to reveal things that I didn't or rather, don't want revealed. However, it has to be revealed. I don't have the peace of mind that I so need. I have been anxious, cranky, worried, alone, and in desperate need of a change. That is why I want to live on my own, with my cat. I know that my mother needs me, but at my age, it is surely time for me to be independent.
The problem is, I don't know where to begin. Every day, I eat, clean up, sleep, and stay on the computer. I realize that that is no real life for me at least, to live. I want to go out and explore. I want to do the things that You want me to do, and not I. What I want is to lose weight, be independent, and stop with the status quo. I am finally feeling freer than I have been in a long time. Interestingly enough, I feel okay since I have written this to You. I am not worried. I am now in the real world. That has been what I have always wanted due to the anxiety and all of the internal issues that I have been having. Tonight has been a combination of fear, resentment, and a lack of peace. That is why I have been isolating myself. I want, need, and desire for things to change and to make a change in my life.
This starts tonight. I am beginning to develop a newfound respect for myself even though it took this to happen. I finally realized that despite the craziness that went on tonight what has happened, that it took long enough to finally talk up for me and me alone. Lord, I wish I handled things differently and I wish things could be different, but I apologize to You for how things have happened. If I have ever been dishonest, which I admitted I have been, I apologize. I have admitted to growing tired of resentment, fear, loneliness, hurt feelings, and lacking in peace. I realize that I was wrong, and I ask You to forgive me. How do I let things go? How do I humble myself? How do I no longer be the broken down, sad human being I have become?
I am admittedly envious of other people. They have jobs, they have kids, they have friends, and they have transportation. I have none of those. I feel like I have accomplished absolutely nothing in the past 15 + years or so. What have I done to show for it? What happened? I realize that some of this I brought on myself, but I need, want, and desire to make a difference, not just for me, but I would like to know what Your plan is for my life, and how do I make a difference? All I know is that it is time for me to live, and serve, to respect, to honor, and to love me. I don't wish to be selfish, however. I realize that I am not ready yet. There is more that I wish to do. Forgive me of all of my sins. I ask that You would continually be there for me and love me. I also ask that You would lend Your ear to me and answer me. I know that You answer prayer and that I am speaking from the heart. The truth is, the computer has become my life because I have been so anxious that I have used it to shield me from the anxiety and whatever problems I have been having. The truth is, I do have issues that need to be worked out. I just need a break and to make it, though I realize that I, like no one can, make it without You.
I have had doubts about a lot of things, including my salvation. Who am I? Am I truly saved or am I lost? I tire of the doubts about being saved by Jesus. I have asked Jesus over and over to save me, yet I still have doubts. What is wrong with me? Is it fear? Is it the anxiety? Or is it the Holy Spirit convicting me? I hate having those doubts and I wish I know or rather knew, who I was. I have committed sins that have caused these doubts. I need to know or to test myself to see if I am truly of the faith. Am I of the faith? I want to know. Is the enemy deceiving me and that is why I am having doubts? Is it the obsessions and compulsions? Is it the bipolar? My life seems to be filled with nothing but the same issues over the over and over again. It is a cycle that I feel like I am too weak and too powerless to break. It is like there is no solution to these problems because I can't break them on my own. I just need to know that You can help me to break those cycles.
I am overweight. I am diabetic. I have a hormonal issue. I have high cholesterol. I have high blood pressure. I never thought it would be this way. I should have known better. I have gained almost 60 pounds in a short span of time. It is as if I have never recovered from the weight gain and other health issues and the anxiety issues. I realize that something is wrong with me. I wish to give up, just like I gave in. I need help, but I need to know where to begin. I am tired of all of my health issues. When if I have my limbs amputated? When if I stop taking of myself altogether? When if I remain clinically obese? I would like to lose about 100 pounds, but how do I go about doing so? I have no idea how to get back on track. I have tried but failed. I feel like a total failure. Where should I begin? I don't want to die because of something that can be reversed, preventable, or one day hopefully curable. I don't wish to gain any weight. I don't wish to be underweight, but I don't wish to remain overweight either. I need to be realistic. Lord, I have no idea. What should I do and where should I go?
I ask for Your guidance in this, and every matter in my life. I ask again that You would forgive me of all of my sins. I am tired of the "daily grind". Set me, and make me, free. My desire is to make You my top Priority. Give me wisdom, for I thank You that You give it liberally. I am listening to You. My heart and mind are open. Help me in all things.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
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