Thursday, April 30, 2015

A Letter to You re-post

Dear Heavenly Father,
There really isn't that much that I know of that I have to say. I prayed two long prayers and I do tend to loop even when I'm laying down. I admit that I have a crush on someone who has died. I know all of us will die and have to meet with You face to face one day. I do hope that He has made it. I am shy and I rather not say what His name is for fear that others may read it.

I don't care if others know that I have a crush on him, I really don't. However, it is about the fantasy world that I have created for myself. No matter what my reasoning is, the fantasy world gives me comfort and shelters me from the real world. As I have mentioned, the real world can be a cruel place. I am not sure how I will cope in the real world, yet I admit that sometimes I am more resilient and independent than I think. I am the kind of person who doesn't know her own strength.

Maybe that is the problem. I have such great insight into what is going on with me along with my flaws and my strengths that I just don't take the time to get to know me and who I am. How do I change things? How do You want me to change things? I just don't know. I am a shy person who likes to keep to myself and mind my business as I have done so today. Being nosy just doesn't work for me anymore as even the slightest bit of curiosity can trigger a series of bothersome obsessive thoughts.

I have had this issue for many years. It all started with reading a book review and some gossip, at least that is when things officially got worse. I have had this problem longer than that. I wonder if emotional and psychological issues are or have been my crosses to bear for all of those years. I wonder if I were bipolar, how would my life had turned out? Would I have been less suicidal? Would I not have any bothersome obsessive thoughts? I had some in high school and it was filled with regret.

All I do is try to reason things out and check and check some more and check some more. It can be very annoying and it can drive me crazy. Yes, I have OCD, but I have realized that I have yet to fully embrace it like I thought I did. Maybe that is the struggle. I will never truly accept or embrace that I have OCD and that there is no cure. This will always be a part of my life that I have to deal with, like being bipolar or having diabetes. I prayed for a miracle, but what is it You have in store for me? I ask that You would bring me out of my stress? OCD has caused me a lot of stress over the years...and a lot of anxiety.

I have had crushes on people, including celebrities, living and/or dead, obsessions with people, and moral or religious issues. I also wonder if my life will always be a series of obsessive thoughts that will go round and round. I also wonder if everything that I do will always be about the OCD, with all of the checking and with all of the compulsions. The thoughts are annoying but how can I get over the compulsions? When can I truly say that I don't care anymore, I give up, and after that, I just move on and move on for real? It will never be an issue in my life ever again.

Right now, I have "dealt" with not only my issues, but other people's as well. Cheating is wrong, period. There is no excuse for it. It is selfish, dishonest, and cowardly. I wonder why a person would commit such an act if they truly claim to love or respect their spouse when they don't honor their marriage vows or even themselves. I wonder how many people they have slept with. I like or check on stories of women in particular, committing infidelity. Ironically enough, it gives me a rush that I realize I don't really want or need. It is like the cycle of life, but more cruel and more vicious.

I have issues, yes, with bullying and with weight issues. Sometimes I wish I could obsess over other issues. I wish I have that choice, but I don't. It is as if the OCD has a personality that has taken a life on its own. I live in fear and doubt because of the OCD and I just cannot take it anymore. It can be too much to bear. It latches on to the fears, doubts, questions, and cares of my life. It is as if I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and on my mind. I would like to stop reasoning, having compulsion, and "deal" with the thoughts at hand. Help me, Lord. Show me what to do and help me to focus on what I need to focus on.

In Jesus' name,

Amen