Monday, April 20, 2015

Having light bulb moments

Dear Heavenly Father,

Over the years, I have been having light bulb moments. The light bulb moment is about the fact that I have had numerous obsessive thoughts over the years. I have been having thoughts about television and watching television. It all started with the thoughts about infidelity. I am scared and have been afraid that a television show, book, or movie will produce a trigger about infidelity. A word can trigger another thought or two. I now realize that every obsession I have is connected to one another. I realize that and have been realizing that for a while.

However, it took this morning to find out that the obsession to infidelity is connected to weight fixation to being bullied to sexual obsessions to even racism. It all makes sense now. Racism and bullying are connected to my weight because I have low self esteem issues. What do I do? I don't know why I have the exact thoughts that I do, but I realize that it no longer matters. The ways that I cope make things worse. I am taking a big risk by writing it out. However, I am taking a risk. However, writing has been great medicine for me, so this is a way to think things through as well as to learn how to take action. Confession is good for the soul but action I realize has to be taken afterwards.

So it all starts somewhere, so the solution is that I have to take some kind of action and realize that the nature of these thoughts are not logical and do not require actions. Having these obsessive thoughts have caused me years of anxiety and heartache and guilt. I feel like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I also felt guilty for having obsessions and compulsions. The truth is, I have never had an affair but it is also true that I have never divorced, had a paternity issue with a man because I don't have kids by a man. I don't have a man so I cannot say that I have a reason to worry about cheating. For that reason, I have often wondered why I have had these thoughts despite all of this. I have never cheated nor have I ever been cheated on. Why do I have these thoughts? Having said all of that, I realize that applying logic to an obsessive thought is wise. It will never work and hasn't been this way, so why try? Why fight these thoughts? I have identified illogical exaggerated thoughts that really make no sense. Now how do I reconcile this with illogical sites? I guess letting the thoughts pass by remembering what I wrote about infidelity and what I have written just now.

I realize that there have been times when there are thoughts that are exaggerated, if not all thoughts are exaggerations of real life stories. Everything in those thoughts are exaggerations to the point where even fictional characters become real. All things become real. They are not. What are the thoughts about? The key is to no longer fight them. I have to learn to see these thoughts for what they really and let them pass. That key alone is so difficult to apply.  I want to get better.. Lord, heal me. I thank You for Your healing touch.

In Jesus' name,

Amen