Thursday, May 29, 2014

How I see myself

Dear Heavenly Father,

What should I do?  How shall I live?  How can I make it without You?  The truth is, I cannot.  You have revealed this to me this this morning.  I put all of my trust in You.  In a rather cruel world such as this, it is hard to trust humanity.  Your word says that we cannot trust in the things of man, but to trust in the things of God.  Of course, I am only paraphrasing it.

My life has been surrendered to You.  You have given me the peace of mind that I so desperately needed, and still do.  I have issues that go way back into childhood and my college years.  I was teased and made fun of because I stuck out.  I was different and it took me a while to realize that.  I hardly and even more so, rarely see myself as a beautiful person, at least physically.  Show me how to see myself as You see me, whatever that is.

Your word says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that is quite hard to apply to me.  Show me how to apply Your word to my daily life.  I have difficulty and even doubt believing that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  What does that mean?  Help me to understand.  How does this apply to me?

I have been self-conscious of my appearance for a long time.  I have been made fun, and thus, rejected.  I never got asked out.  I have never been in a relationship.  I wouldn't know what to do.  I have never been kissed nor have I ever been truly in love.  I have a hard time believing compliments about myself and I know that it has stemmed from having low self-esteem.

People saw one thing, but You see something else entirely.  Your word says so, but it means that I have to affirm myself.  I wish that I could believe it and have high self-esteem.  My self-worth is often based on my appearance.  I am down on myself not because I want to be, but because I have a hard time believing in what You say.  I have doubts about things including my appearance.

I wish I could say with pride that I am beautiful, unique, and special, but that is difficult for me to believe.  I have dreams of being a fat blob.  I am short and overweight with a double chin and an average face.  That is hardly someone who has a high self-esteem and self worth.  I care too much what others think.  I would like to change those things about myself.

I become even more self-conscious since I have been diagnosed as having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  I have compared myself to others for years and I have still been comparing myself to others.  Most people would see a regular overweight woman.  I have a large stomach and that has been a source of contention.  I see my body as disproportionate and my face average.  I wish I could see myself better than I do.  I need Your help and Your wisdom.  Teach me to affirm myself and to give me the tools that I need to better myself.

I have gained a lot of weight in a short period of time.  Granted, I am struggling with a poor diet and a lack of motivation, but I have also emotional issues that have made things worse.  I make no excuses, I am just telling You the truth.  I am being honest about what is going on.  I am struggling to take better care of my health.  I feel like I am falling apart physically.  I don't know if it is the PCOS or simply my weight.  My weight and my age are of great concerns to me.

I need guidance when it comes to this.  I have allowed others and have allowed the world to dictate how I should think and feel about myself.  I give You total control of all I am and all that I have.  Thank You for saving my soul, and I thank You for taking control of my life.

I need You.  I need immediate assistance in this manner. While I learn something new everyday, it seems that I struggle to apply things to my life.  Help me not to see things as complicated.  Help me to keep things simple.  All I have to do is this, that, and the other.  However, I see this, that, and the other as something difficult because it doesn't register.  Open the windows of Heaven and fill me with Your Holy Spirit.  Open my eyes that I may see what I really going on with me.  Help me to understand that I am a beautiful person who doesn't have to compare myself to other people.

In Jesus' name,

Amen