Friday, May 16, 2014

Getting real

Dear God,

Thank You for being there for me.  You have given me great comfort.  I wasn't always feeling well today.  I have gotten so overweight that now I see myself as obese.  I need to lose weight because of that.  But most of all, I want and desire to lose weight.  I weigh over 300 lbs and I am nearly 5'2".  My BMI is 56.5, which puts me in the obese category.  Not only am I clinically obese, I am also literally obese.  I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like what I see.  I don't feel guilty about being fat per se, but I would like to be able to lose weight.  I wish I wasn't so lazy and so clueless.  That is how I feel about myself.  Deep down, I don't know why I do the things I do, or don't do.  I have theories, but I don't have real answers.  I don't think I use food for emotional comfort or anything like that, but it could be a possibility.

I have also spent my time with what others think.  I actually see myself as a fat person.  That was all I could think about during my therapy sessions.  That is mostly what I talk about during my therapy sessions.  I wonder if my counselors see my weight before they see me, if that makes sense.  I wonder how You see me so that I can apply it to my life.  I spent my life caring what others, including myself.  I wonder if they see me the same way I see myself.  Why do I allow myself to feel this way?  How do I get out of it?

I don't like myself and I wonder if others like me.  I want people to like me, to appreciate me, and to respect me.  I wonder that only to feel like an outcast most of my life.  I fear others making fun of me because of my weight or any other reasons.  I worry about confrontation and being yelled at and talked down to.  I walk on eggshells and now I want things to change.  I feel like I have no control and no power over things in my life.

I am a lost soul.  My letter to You is quite sad, but I am being honest with You.  I have no idea how to change.  Am I really trying hard enough?  Am I really lazy?  Why is change so difficult?  It is stressful and just too much to bear.  It is as if I have a big cross to carry and an elephant sized monkey on my back.  I have these issues and also financial and mental issues.

I feel like throwing in the towel sometimes.  How can I know what to do and I just got too lazy to do it? Maybe I am content with my life, but why?  I have no reason to be content.  I have every reason to be upset with myself.  I wish I could be another "persona".  That is why I live in a fantasy world.  I am a different person.  I wish I was that person, so that is how I live.  I have gotten too comfortable and too content.  I hate my life, or so it seems.  Most of all I want to change, but where do I begin?


Letters to God