Thank You for being there for me. You have given me great comfort. I wasn't always feeling well today. I have gotten so overweight that now I see myself as obese. I need to lose weight because of that. But most of all, I want and desire to lose weight. I weigh over 300 lbs and I am nearly 5'2". My BMI is 56.5, which puts me in the obese category. Not only am I clinically obese, I am also literally obese. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I don't feel guilty about being fat per se, but I would like to be able to lose weight. I wish I wasn't so lazy and so clueless. That is how I feel about myself. Deep down, I don't know why I do the things I do, or don't do. I have theories, but I don't have real answers. I don't think I use food for emotional comfort or anything like that, but it could be a possibility.
I have also spent my time with what others think. I actually see myself as a fat person. That was all I could think about during my therapy sessions. That is mostly what I talk about during my therapy sessions. I wonder if my counselors see my weight before they see me, if that makes sense. I wonder how You see me so that I can apply it to my life. I spent my life caring what others, including myself. I wonder if they see me the same way I see myself. Why do I allow myself to feel this way? How do I get out of it?
I don't like myself and I wonder if others like me. I want people to like me, to appreciate me, and to respect me. I wonder that only to feel like an outcast most of my life. I fear others making fun of me because of my weight or any other reasons. I worry about confrontation and being yelled at and talked down to. I walk on eggshells and now I want things to change. I feel like I have no control and no power over things in my life.
I am a lost soul. My letter to You is quite sad, but I am being honest with You. I have no idea how to change. Am I really trying hard enough? Am I really lazy? Why is change so difficult? It is stressful and just too much to bear. It is as if I have a big cross to carry and an elephant sized monkey on my back. I have these issues and also financial and mental issues.
I feel like throwing in the towel sometimes. How can I know what to do and I just got too lazy to do it? Maybe I am content with my life, but why? I have no reason to be content. I have every reason to be upset with myself. I wish I could be another "persona". That is why I live in a fantasy world. I am a different person. I wish I was that person, so that is how I live. I have gotten too comfortable and too content. I hate my life, or so it seems. Most of all I want to change, but where do I begin?
Letters to God