Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Being and staying healthy

Dear Jesus,

Help me.  I have been under a lot of stress lately.  Forgive me, for I had a hard time communicating with You.  I felt alone and I realize that I have a lot to deal with.  I have grown tired of living everyday life everyday, the way I have been living it.  It is time to be me, to do me, to live as a child of God. It took sickness to help me realize that.  I don't want to die young or die of things that I could have prevented.  I want to care, but for a while, I did not care.  It stems from having low self-esteem.  It is time that I admit some things.  Being fat isn't the worst thing in the world.  I know this.  I am over 300 lbs. and it doesn't feel good.  I cannot and do not accept myself as I am, yet I see various body types as more beautiful.  I have been comparing myself to other people and it is like an itch I cannot scratch.  I have an idea of what I want to have, but I don't have definite plans.  I no longer want to take so many medications and that is a fact.  It hurts when someone makes a rather cruel fat joke.  I can see this.

I am tired of being the before picture despite the fact that what I see is true.  I hate those ads that show the before picture as if being fat is the worst thing in the world.  The worst thing about me is about why I wanted to lose weight.  I stopped caring about myself.  I want to have a curvier shape and a flat stomach.  The last time I had a flat stomach was over 20 years ago, when I was in high school.  I weighed much, much less.  Nowadays, I feel guilty that now I could have been someone who could have been this size.  I never had to lose more than 30 lbs. and now I am scared.  I have been scared for a while now and I want to not just recognize the problem but to connect what I have admitted and what I am going through.

I quit Weight Watchers as I thought it is a waste of money and it has taught me a lot of things that I did not like.  I ate a bunch of chocolate and unhealthy foods because of having low self-esteem.  I never thought I was a pretty young woman.  I never really thought of myself as such.  I will only see myself as a this only when I will become smaller.  The sad truth is, I don't like to procrastinate anymore.  I feel like it is going to be even harder to lose weight and that my age is a factor as to why weight loss is so important but it will be so hard.  I wish I could have kept it off.  Now I have regrets about this and my failures of which my health.  I don't wish to remain the overweight woman with low self-esteem who has been accused of making excuses as to why it has been difficult to lose weight.  I know that I did  contribute on my own through a sedentary lifestyle.  I love food and in large quantities.

How come what I have researched have not registered?  I need wisdom.  I need guidance.  I also don't feel like a smart person.  It is as if I am lacking in common sense.  I have grown tired of the way life is.  I want to lose weight and make changes in my life, but I have no clue where to begin.  My prayer is that I would be realistic about my health and that everything I have said would actually register.  I have been told I can do it, but the thing is, do I want to?  That is what is worrying me.  I have had doubts about the desire that I have to lose weight.

Lord, I do want to lose weight, but it hasn't registered yet.  My mindset is in need of a change and so do I, but the truth is, I need You to help me.  I have no idea what I am doing.  I ask for wisdom so that I will be strong and stay strong.  Give me the strength that I so need.  I suffered from leg pain and heaviness, a burning sensation in my feet, an obsession that just haven't gone away, yet, and an ear infection.  I haven't had one of these in years.  I do believe that it has something to d with the diabetes.  Jesus, forgive me, for I am a sinner, and I ask for forgiveness of all of my sins.  I thank You for Your answer or answers to this prayer.

In Your name, Jesus,