Help me. I have been under a lot of stress lately. Forgive me, for I had a hard time communicating with You. I felt alone and I realize that I have a lot to deal with. I have grown tired of living everyday life everyday, the way I have been living it. It is time to be me, to do me, to live as a child of God. It took sickness to help me realize that. I don't want to die young or die of things that I could have prevented. I want to care, but for a while, I did not care. It stems from having low self-esteem. It is time that I admit some things. Being fat isn't the worst thing in the world. I know this. I am over 300 lbs. and it doesn't feel good. I cannot and do not accept myself as I am, yet I see various body types as more beautiful. I have been comparing myself to other people and it is like an itch I cannot scratch. I have an idea of what I want to have, but I don't have definite plans. I no longer want to take so many medications and that is a fact. It hurts when someone makes a rather cruel fat joke. I can see this.
I am tired of being the before picture despite the fact that what I see is true. I hate those ads that show the before picture as if being fat is the worst thing in the world. The worst thing about me is about why I wanted to lose weight. I stopped caring about myself. I want to have a curvier shape and a flat stomach. The last time I had a flat stomach was over 20 years ago, when I was in high school. I weighed much, much less. Nowadays, I feel guilty that now I could have been someone who could have been this size. I never had to lose more than 30 lbs. and now I am scared. I have been scared for a while now and I want to not just recognize the problem but to connect what I have admitted and what I am going through.
I quit Weight Watchers as I thought it is a waste of money and it has taught me a lot of things that I did not like. I ate a bunch of chocolate and unhealthy foods because of having low self-esteem. I never thought I was a pretty young woman. I never really thought of myself as such. I will only see myself as a this only when I will become smaller. The sad truth is, I don't like to procrastinate anymore. I feel like it is going to be even harder to lose weight and that my age is a factor as to why weight loss is so important but it will be so hard. I wish I could have kept it off. Now I have regrets about this and my failures of which my health. I don't wish to remain the overweight woman with low self-esteem who has been accused of making excuses as to why it has been difficult to lose weight. I know that I did contribute on my own through a sedentary lifestyle. I love food and in large quantities.
How come what I have researched have not registered? I need wisdom. I need guidance. I also don't feel like a smart person. It is as if I am lacking in common sense. I have grown tired of the way life is. I want to lose weight and make changes in my life, but I have no clue where to begin. My prayer is that I would be realistic about my health and that everything I have said would actually register. I have been told I can do it, but the thing is, do I want to? That is what is worrying me. I have had doubts about the desire that I have to lose weight.
Lord, I do want to lose weight, but it hasn't registered yet. My mindset is in need of a change and so do I, but the truth is, I need You to help me. I have no idea what I am doing. I ask for wisdom so that I will be strong and stay strong. Give me the strength that I so need. I suffered from leg pain and heaviness, a burning sensation in my feet, an obsession that just haven't gone away, yet, and an ear infection. I haven't had one of these in years. I do believe that it has something to d with the diabetes. Jesus, forgive me, for I am a sinner, and I ask for forgiveness of all of my sins. I thank You for Your answer or answers to this prayer.
In Your name, Jesus,