Monday, December 29, 2014

In need of a change


I am not a strong person.  I feel like I am so weak and powerless sometimes if not often.  I have difficulty applying even the simplest tasks sometimes.  For example, I have difficulty losing weight. Maybe I am not fully committed to losing weight.  Mentally everything seems to be okay but physically I have no real commitment though I have every reason to commit and commit totally. I am overweight, if not obese, I am diabetic, and high blood pressure and high cholesterol.  I even wheeze at times, I am growing out of clothes, and be able to do things that others take for granted.  For years I have been comparing myself to others, but I have become more self-conscious of my weight and my appearance.  I just wish that I wasn't so self-conscious.  The truth is, I have no real goals set though I have tried in the past.  Help me, Lord with this.

I haven't always been a good Christian.  I am a sinner yes, but I am not the most obedient salt and light that I could be.  I have been having doubts for years about being born again.  I still am not so sure if I am truly born again.  I have asked Jesus for salvation but it is as if I have to find the right words to say.  I realize that I am invoking something whenever I pray.  It is as if I pray words instead of in faith.  I am not so sure if I even call You Heavenly Father.  I pray to You for one thing and pray to Jesus for other things.  My faith is not as strong as it should be.  I need help, Lord.

I am also in need of not being scared of other people and what they are going to do to me.  I have been this way since my childhood.  I have been and still have been unable to stand up for myself. I can't do certain things because I have too little love and respect for myself.  I wonder if that makes me a friend of the world and one of Your enemies.  I am so caught up in the things of the world that I often fail to realize that all of this is temporary.  I wish I didn't feel this way and be this way.  That is why so many of my letters and prayers are so negative.  I would like to be positive every once in a while.  Help me, Lord, for I tire of all of the negativity in my life.  I hate that I have allowed this to happen.

I also need healing from having mental and emotional problems.  I realize that there are those who have AIDS, cancer, ebola, and other diseases that are far more deadly.  I will pray for them.  I am so saddened that diseases exist.  I wish that all of us could be healthy, including myself.  That is I believe I ask for healing.  The truth is, I cannot take it anymore.  I tire of the negative thoughts, the condemnation, the compulsions, the low self worth that goes with it.  I also tire of the obsessive thoughts and all of these issues.  I wonder too much about fictional characters and what kind of people they are.  I am afraid that those on television will be like those in my thoughts.  I have grown obsessed with television and movies.  Lord, please heal me.  I just am not strong enough to deal with it all.  This has become too much.  Help me, Lord.


Letters to God