Monday, November 3, 2014

Writing to God how i feel

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am guilt-ridden and anxious.  That is the source of my prayers.  I love You no doubt but I am always saying negative things about myself and I am so guilty of so much.  I am here to write how I feel.  I don't think that I have grown spiritually, mentally, physically, or emotional.  I believe that for the past few years, my growth has been stunted.  I brought it on myself.  I have no idea what plans You have for me.  I only am here when I need You and while I do need You still, I realize that my relationship with You hasn't been strong.

I feel as if I am lying to myself and to You.  I would like to thank You for all You have done for me.  I am not sure who I am in any way, shape, or form.  I am not always sure how my prayers have been answered until the prayer has been answered.  I realize that there are no coincidences or accidents with You.  I believe little miracles happen everyday. Music plays in my mind or in my ears especially when I wake up in the morning or at least just before.  I wonder sometimes if it is You or if it is just me.  I want to show You how much I truly love You, but I know and realize that some of my actions say other things.

I don't trust myself or my motives or my words.  I can only imagine how You are feeling.  I feel like sometimes I take advantage of You and Your forgiveness.  I don't understand what repentance is all about, especially with certain sins.  I am in need of help and guidance.  It sounds as if I am so far away from You yet at the same time You are so close to me and to me it makes sense.  I have no clue about having a real relationship with You as it seems.  It is my fault.  I don't always pray or read Your word.  I have grown spiritually and physically and emotionally lazy.  I have gained weight which have caused me health problems that I never had before.  I have become more self-conscious now than I ever had before in my life.  I am not happy with my appearance and I wish I were.  I feel like my stomach has "ruined" my body.  I have difficulty doing what I think is hard.

I believe and I thank You that I believe that nothing is hard with You.  I wish sometimes that I have no anxiety or obsessive thoughts.  I wish I were better with money.  I wish that I were healthier.  I wish quite a few things.  I believe in what the Bible says but sometimes I have difficulty in applying Your word at least to my situation.  I don't even know who the true and who the false prophets are.  I am not a good at discerning truth from falsehood.  I look forward to Your return but I think that I have not done a good job getting ready for Jesus' return.

I become scared and nervous about almost everything, especially spiritual matters.  I am clueless about spiritual matters.  I have so much to write about it seems, but I am just writing about how I am feeling.  I am not living the way You would like for me, a person who looks forward to Your return to live.  I want to change because that is my need and desire.  I do want to live in the New Jerusalem and be a part of Your Bride no doubt but in my current state, I am not ready.  I don't think I am a wise virgin.  I care much about an answered prayer but I have doubts about my motives.  I feel alone yet I just don't trust myself.  I need help.  I need guidance.  I need wisdom.  I want to and live a wholesome life, but because of You, not because of me.  I don't trust me and sometimes I don't like me, but I like You.  In fact, I love and honor You.  Thank You for giving me the opportunity to write this letter about how I really feel.  I want and need Your help.  I want to be real with real motives with a real relationship with a real mindset.  All I ask are wisdom, guidance, and a sense of direction.

In Jesus' name,