Dear Heavenly Father,
I am guilt-ridden and anxious. That is the source of my prayers. I love You no doubt but I am always saying negative things about myself and I am so guilty of so much. I am here to write how I feel. I don't think that I have grown spiritually, mentally, physically, or emotional. I believe that for the past few years, my growth has been stunted. I brought it on myself. I have no idea what plans You have for me. I only am here when I need You and while I do need You still, I realize that my relationship with You hasn't been strong.
I feel as if I am lying to myself and to You. I would like to thank You for all You have done for me. I am not sure who I am in any way, shape, or form. I am not always sure how my prayers have been answered until the prayer has been answered. I realize that there are no coincidences or accidents with You. I believe little miracles happen everyday. Music plays in my mind or in my ears especially when I wake up in the morning or at least just before. I wonder sometimes if it is You or if it is just me. I want to show You how much I truly love You, but I know and realize that some of my actions say other things.
I don't trust myself or my motives or my words. I can only imagine how You are feeling. I feel like sometimes I take advantage of You and Your forgiveness. I don't understand what repentance is all about, especially with certain sins. I am in need of help and guidance. It sounds as if I am so far away from You yet at the same time You are so close to me and to me it makes sense. I have no clue about having a real relationship with You as it seems. It is my fault. I don't always pray or read Your word. I have grown spiritually and physically and emotionally lazy. I have gained weight which have caused me health problems that I never had before. I have become more self-conscious now than I ever had before in my life. I am not happy with my appearance and I wish I were. I feel like my stomach has "ruined" my body. I have difficulty doing what I think is hard.
I believe and I thank You that I believe that nothing is hard with You. I wish sometimes that I have no anxiety or obsessive thoughts. I wish I were better with money. I wish that I were healthier. I wish quite a few things. I believe in what the Bible says but sometimes I have difficulty in applying Your word at least to my situation. I don't even know who the true and who the false prophets are. I am not a good at discerning truth from falsehood. I look forward to Your return but I think that I have not done a good job getting ready for Jesus' return.
I become scared and nervous about almost everything, especially spiritual matters. I am clueless about spiritual matters. I have so much to write about it seems, but I am just writing about how I am feeling. I am not living the way You would like for me, a person who looks forward to Your return to live. I want to change because that is my need and desire. I do want to live in the New Jerusalem and be a part of Your Bride no doubt but in my current state, I am not ready. I don't think I am a wise virgin. I care much about an answered prayer but I have doubts about my motives. I feel alone yet I just don't trust myself. I need help. I need guidance. I need wisdom. I want to and live a wholesome life, but because of You, not because of me. I don't trust me and sometimes I don't like me, but I like You. In fact, I love and honor You. Thank You for giving me the opportunity to write this letter about how I really feel. I want and need Your help. I want to be real with real motives with a real relationship with a real mindset. All I ask are wisdom, guidance, and a sense of direction.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
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