A Letter to You re-post

Dear Heavenly Father,
There really isn't that much that I know of that I have to say. I prayed two long prayers and I do tend to loop even when I'm laying down. I admit that I have a crush on someone who has died. I know all of us will die and have to meet with You face to face one day. I do hope that He has made it. I am shy and I rather not say what His name is for fear that others may read it.

I don't care if others know that I have a crush on him, I really don't. However, it is about the fantasy world that I have created for myself. No matter what my reasoning is, the fantasy world gives me comfort and shelters me from the real world. As I have mentioned, the real world can be a cruel place. I am not sure how I will cope in the real world, yet I admit that sometimes I am more resilient and independent than I think. I am the kind of person who doesn't know her own strength.

Maybe that is the problem. I have such great insight into what is going on with me along with my flaws and my strengths that I just don't take the time to get to know me and who I am. How do I change things? How do You want me to change things? I just don't know. I am a shy person who likes to keep to myself and mind my business as I have done so today. Being nosy just doesn't work for me anymore as even the slightest bit of curiosity can trigger a series of bothersome obsessive thoughts.

I have had this issue for many years. It all started with reading a book review and some gossip, at least that is when things officially got worse. I have had this problem longer than that. I wonder if emotional and psychological issues are or have been my crosses to bear for all of those years. I wonder if I were bipolar, how would my life had turned out? Would I have been less suicidal? Would I not have any bothersome obsessive thoughts? I had some in high school and it was filled with regret.

All I do is try to reason things out and check and check some more and check some more. It can be very annoying and it can drive me crazy. Yes, I have OCD, but I have realized that I have yet to fully embrace it like I thought I did. Maybe that is the struggle. I will never truly accept or embrace that I have OCD and that there is no cure. This will always be a part of my life that I have to deal with, like being bipolar or having diabetes. I prayed for a miracle, but what is it You have in store for me? I ask that You would bring me out of my stress? OCD has caused me a lot of stress over the years...and a lot of anxiety.

I have had crushes on people, including celebrities, living and/or dead, obsessions with people, and moral or religious issues. I also wonder if my life will always be a series of obsessive thoughts that will go round and round. I also wonder if everything that I do will always be about the OCD, with all of the checking and with all of the compulsions. The thoughts are annoying but how can I get over the compulsions? When can I truly say that I don't care anymore, I give up, and after that, I just move on and move on for real? It will never be an issue in my life ever again.

Right now, I have "dealt" with not only my issues, but other people's as well. Cheating is wrong, period. There is no excuse for it. It is selfish, dishonest, and cowardly. I wonder why a person would commit such an act if they truly claim to love or respect their spouse when they don't honor their marriage vows or even themselves. I wonder how many people they have slept with. I like or check on stories of women in particular, committing infidelity. Ironically enough, it gives me a rush that I realize I don't really want or need. It is like the cycle of life, but more cruel and more vicious.

I have issues, yes, with bullying and with weight issues. Sometimes I wish I could obsess over other issues. I wish I have that choice, but I don't. It is as if the OCD has a personality that has taken a life on its own. I live in fear and doubt because of the OCD and I just cannot take it anymore. It can be too much to bear. It latches on to the fears, doubts, questions, and cares of my life. It is as if I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and on my mind. I would like to stop reasoning, having compulsion, and "deal" with the thoughts at hand. Help me, Lord. Show me what to do and help me to focus on what I need to focus on.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

Psalm 39

1 I said, “I will watch my ways
    and keep my tongue from sin;
I will put a muzzle on my mouth
    while in the presence of the wicked.”
2 So I remained utterly silent,
    not even saying anything good.
But my anguish increased;
3     my heart grew hot within me.
While I meditated, the fire burned;
    then I spoke with my tongue:

4 “Show me, Lord, my life’s end
    and the number of my days;
    let me know how fleeting my life is.
5 You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
    the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Everyone is but a breath,
    even those who seem secure.[b]

6 “Surely everyone goes around like a mere phantom;
    in vain they rush about, heaping up wealth
    without knowing whose it will finally be.

7 “But now, Lord, what do I look for?
    My hope is in you.
8 Save me from all my transgressions;
    do not make me the scorn of fools.
9 I was silent; I would not open my mouth,
    for you are the one who has done this.
10 Remove your scourge from me;
    I am overcome by the blow of your hand.
11 When you rebuke and discipline anyone for their sin,
    you consume their wealth like a moth—
    surely everyone is but a breath.

12 “Hear my prayer, Lord,
    listen to my cry for help;
    do not be deaf to my weeping.
I dwell with you as a foreigner,
    a stranger, as all my ancestors were.
13 Look away from me, that I may enjoy life again
    before I depart and am no more.”

Thank You, God

I apologize

Lord,

I am so sorry.  Forgive me for always consider the eternal consequences of my actions, especially those things that I know are wrong.  My desire is NOT to do those things.  I know that I cannot expect any such reward if I am to keep doing wrong.  I do have issues that needed to be addressed.  Thank You, Holy Spirit, for bringing that to my attention.  Thank You, Lord, for forgiving me.

Thank You,

Sincerely,


Letters to God

Being a good steward

Heavenly Father,

Help me to be a good steward whether it is money, time, or even something as simple as helping others and taking care of animals.  I have wondered about being a good steward.  That is something that has concerned me.  I don't have a lot of money but I ask that You would give me wisdom when it comes to being a good steward.  Guide me into being a good steward.  Show me what I need to do.

Sincerely,


Letters to God

Prayers

Father,

I asked this morning that You would teach me how to pray. Thank You for teaching me how to pray. I have learned that all I have to do is to be myself.  The best prayers are the prayers from the heart.  Thank You again, for teaching me about prayer today.

Sincerely,


Letters to God

Blank canvas

Heavenly Father,

I thank You for answered prayer.  I also thank You for revelations and light bulb moments.  I do spend a lot of the day fatigued and falling asleep.  I oft times considered myself lazy and unmotivated.  I don't wish to prove myself right.  I do talk badly about myself and I am in need of an interest that will do better to occupy my time  Well, I realize that You created us to love and cherish ourselves and that is not what I have been doing.  I am worthy in Your eyes.  None of us deserve salvation and forgiveness because we are not good people in Your eyes, but You have died on the cross for us.  Salvation is a free gift.  We can be forgiven. No matter what issues we face and no matter what we have done, You love us.  I am grateful for what You have done.  I ask that You would change my perspective on all things and all people, including myself.  There will be no cliches written in this letter, but I realize that cliches are there for a reason.  A cliche is actually a truth that isn't always applied by us but it is a saying that we claim over and over again.  I don't wish to cliche anything anymore nor do I wish to put myself down.  I am one of Your children and I am to live accordingly, which means that I represent You and should represent You in all things.  I have often failed.  I have often missed the mark.  The problem is not really a low self-esteem as I have finally figured out.  I wonder if I deserve to love me.  The truth is, I don't always like me.  I have wondered if others see me as I do.  I do not always see myself as a good person.  Lord, I wonder how You see me.  I know that You will, and still do, see me in the truest sense of the word.  I am that blank canvas that You have created.  Use me.  Forgive me. Teach me.  Continue to love me.  I give thanks and glory to You.  Thank You.

In Jesus' name,

Amen